One unfortunate Cabinet minister made a splash at conference, for all the wrong reasons. When entering the gents outside the exhibition hall said minister slipped, and fearing injury grabbed onto the leg of the chap standing at the urinal, who was unfortunately in mid-flow. Unfortunately, Percy was no longer pointing at the porcelain and splashed instead all over the floored minister’s head. The minister quickly got up off the tiles and dashed into a cubicle to clean himself up. In a very British way, nothing was said about the incident — and both men left the gents thoroughly embarrassed…

A Tory delegate woke up in London this morning with an epic conference story. He accidentally took a cross-country Uber ride back to London…

The delegate, who until recently worked as a researcher for a Conservative MP, told Guido the midnight ride was a costly accident:

“At the end of the day, drank too much with friends. Stupid. Got in an uber. And accidentally must have put in my home address. No money left now – thank god I worked over summer!”

Apparently he fell asleep and the driver didn’t wake him up to question the marathon journey home. No word on whether he took his suitcase with him. Lad.

New Tory MP Heidi Allen took to LBC yesterday to give her take on some to the Tory leadership hopefuls. She doesn’t hold back…

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Heidi told Iain Dale that she finds George Osborne “too smooth“, says that Theresa May is “a bit Edna Mode for me” and has a rather colourful view on Boris Johnson’s leadership chances:

“I just see him in a room with Putin, naked from the waist upwards together, wrestling fish. It’s just not a good image for me.”

Tell us what you really think Heidi…

UPDATE: Theresa May responds

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Socialist luminary and prominent member of the 1% Owen Jones has been spotted nationalising a cup of tea from an unmanned train buffet cart. On the train up to Tory Conference after asking Helen Chandler-Wilde, a Henley councillor, if she was going to make the tea, Owen decided they could wait no longer for the tardy unionised attendant to arrive to sell them a brew. Instead he went behind the counter and made two cuppas himself for the both of them. The people’s Ronnie Biggs…

However as soon as Owen redistributed tea, the heat was around the corner, with his companion informing Guido that:

At this point, the train guard came in and threatened both of us with arrest as he had CCTV. I then declared it as the People’s Revolution of Teamaking against privatised train services. It was all fun and larks, especially Owen’s ‘I haven’t done anything!’ face to the guard, whilst carrying two cups of tea and standing behind the counter.

He must have been really Jonesing for a cup of tea!

Boris couldn’t resist the temptation when Olympic hero James Cracknell challenged him to jump on the rower at Conference today.

Boris v Cracknell pic.twitter.com/AbBNqyJoTt

— Guido Fawkes (@GuidoFawkes) October 5, 2015

Life is but a dream…