Christmas Party on Britain’s High Streets

Britain’s high street retailers enjoyed one of their best ever Christmases “despite Brexit“, a snowstorm of positive trading reports reveal. Marks and Spencer group sales were up 5.9% in the 13 weeks to the end of December, with a 2.3% uptick in like-for-like sales by its previously struggling clothing line (smashing a gloomy 0.5% estimate). Sainsburys had a Christmas cracker with more than £1 billion in sales. Lidl reported yuletide sales growth of 10%. Online clothing firm Asos reported sales were up 36%. The FT writes:

“It’s such a disappointment for the gloomsters. The plunge in sterling after the June vote was going to produce a surge tide of inflation to overwhelm static pay packets. Shoppers would be reduced to window-shoppers and, even though we never believed George Osborne’s silly pre-referendum scare stories, a bleak midwinter loomed for the high street. It hasn’t turned out that way.”

How will Christmas be different after Brexit? No Brussels… 

mdi-timer 13th January 2017 @ 4:00 pm 13th Jan 2017 @ 4:00 pm mdi-comment Comments
Corbyn Uses Chilcot Report as Office Doorstop

Jeremy Corbyn issued a snub to The Canary last night by only inviting the MSM to his Christmas drinks party. The Labour leader catered for a non-veggie crowd with a spread including pork pies and chicken legs, as well as a selection of ales, lagers and wines, and his “leader’s boardroom” was decorated with Christmas lights and a tree topped with a red star. They never had this under Miliband – good to see Labour’s newfound riches from their new members being put to good use…

Guido was however most amused by Jezza’s choice of doorstop. A copy of the Chilcot report…

mdi-timer 13th December 2016 @ 8:29 am 13th Dec 2016 @ 8:29 am mdi-comment Comments
‘Not Getting Airplay’: Corbyn Christmas Single Flops

Corbynistas got mail this weekend from Crispin Flintoff, “JC4PM tour promoter/producerbegging them to download Jezza’s Christmas single because it is struggling to make it into the charts at all let alone be the Christmas number one:

“As a means of getting the message across about Jeremy Corbyn being a popular man with credible and exciting policies, we have released a Christmas single ‘JC4PM for me’. Our aim is for it to hit the charts and we will then see if it will get airplay (it’s not at the moment).”

Do Corbynistas know it’s Christmas time at all?

mdi-timer 12th December 2016 @ 5:22 pm 12th Dec 2016 @ 5:22 pm mdi-comment Comments
Nigel Evans Makes Christmas Great Again

What is it with Donald and Nigels?

mdi-timer 12th December 2016 @ 11:03 am 12th Dec 2016 @ 11:03 am mdi-comment Comments
Guido Christmas Appeal: Hug A Scrooge This Christmas

Westminster scrooges

As the year draws to a close in Wesminster, Guido can’t help but notice a distinct lack of Christmas cheer and jollity on the cobbled streets of SW1. First Labour leader Jebeneezer Corbyn refused to issue a traditional festive Christmas message in a most deplorable display of humbug, instead delaying his salutations till the New Year. How miserly to refuse the merry Corbynites a Christmas message from their leader…

Following this Kerry McCarthy penned a Grinch’s charter on how she is sick of Christmas. Writing on her blog, the Shadow Farming Minister bemoans that Christmas means getting “up close and personal with bits of dead animals”. Guido thinks she should have a word with our festive Prime Minister, who shares no such qualms…

Such mean spiritedness is not limited to the opposition benches though. It appears some newspaper hacks are similarly down in the dumps. Perennial scrooge Zoe Williams has taken to the Guardian to damn Christmas as a mean “prank played on middle aged women”, encouraged by sinister forces like Nigella Lawson. This isn’t the first time Zoe has struggled with Christmas however, having written last year of the Christmas struggle of trying to “formulate an anti-consumerist worldview that doesn’t involve becoming a killjoy”A challenge those of us with children can all too easily relate too…

Such unhappiness at this time of year concerns Guido, and in the spirit of Christmas cheer there can only be one solution: Hug a scrooge this Christmas. 

Do you see a relative sitting glumly at the end of the table, Christmas hat drooping down over their brow, ruminating on Corbyn’s poll scores? A Green Party member, half-heartedly tugging on a cracker, lamenting the lack of vegan options and absence of Greenham Common activists in their family? A Stalinist wracked with guilt at the orgy of decadent Imperialist consumerism that Christmas occasions? Give them a hug, let them know it’s Christmas Time after all…

Guido wishes goodwill to all men (and women) this Christmas eve.

mdi-timer 24th December 2015 @ 5:35 pm 24th Dec 2015 @ 5:35 pm mdi-comment Comments
The First Noël, Chris Grayling Did Say

Last week Ebenezer Grayling threatened to pull out of a charity carol singing event because the local UKIP candidate had been booked to play the organ. Despite at first demanding to know how his emails were leaked to this blog, Guido is pleased to report that Grayling eventually embraced the yuletide spirit and took part. ‘Kipper church organist Robert Leach reveals:

“It was a very happy, joyful occasion. Chris Grayling did turn up. He turned up after I started playing and completely ignored me. I don’t understand it. Does he think I’m going to be playing Away in a Manager so seductively that everybody is going to say ‘listen to the piano player playing so beautifully I’m going to vote UKIP?'”

In the end £500 was raised for charity. It’s a Christmas miracle!

mdi-timer 26th December 2014 @ 11:06 am 26th Dec 2014 @ 11:06 am mdi-comment Comments
Previous Page Next Page