Happy Christmas to All Our Readers

We will be updating at a much slower pace over the holidays, tomorrow the daily Guidogram will be sent out for the last time this year. We’ll take a look back on stories, rows and scandals of the year over the coming days.

The team want to say heartfelt thanks once again to our ever loyal and growing readership, for your critical feedback, for the tips, for the fun, the brickbats and making this site what it is today. We love you. We wish you a peaceful Christmas, free of Brexit rows…

Out to Lunch

It is our Christmas Lunch today. We may get totally Junckered…

MPs’ Christmas Door Decoration Rivalry

MPs are busy trying to one up each other with Christmas door decorations this December. The decorated office doors pictured here face each other in One Parliament Street, although it’s fairly safe to say Ben Bradly’s office is winning. Have you seen any MP’s festive decorations in Parliament? Send them in to team@order-order.com and Guido will announce a winner over the Christmas break!

Christmas Party on Britain’s High Streets

Britain’s high street retailers enjoyed one of their best ever Christmases “despite Brexit“, a snowstorm of positive trading reports reveal. Marks and Spencer group sales were up 5.9% in the 13 weeks to the end of December, with a 2.3% uptick in like-for-like sales by its previously struggling clothing line (smashing a gloomy 0.5% estimate). Sainsburys had a Christmas cracker with more than £1 billion in sales. Lidl reported yuletide sales growth of 10%. Online clothing firm Asos reported sales were up 36%. The FT writes:

“It’s such a disappointment for the gloomsters. The plunge in sterling after the June vote was going to produce a surge tide of inflation to overwhelm static pay packets. Shoppers would be reduced to window-shoppers and, even though we never believed George Osborne’s silly pre-referendum scare stories, a bleak midwinter loomed for the high street. It hasn’t turned out that way.”

How will Christmas be different after Brexit? No Brussels… 

Corbyn Uses Chilcot Report as Office Doorstop

Jeremy Corbyn issued a snub to The Canary last night by only inviting the MSM to his Christmas drinks party. The Labour leader catered for a non-veggie crowd with a spread including pork pies and chicken legs, as well as a selection of ales, lagers and wines, and his “leader’s boardroom” was decorated with Christmas lights and a tree topped with a red star. They never had this under Miliband – good to see Labour’s newfound riches from their new members being put to good use…

Guido was however most amused by Jezza’s choice of doorstop. A copy of the Chilcot report…

‘Not Getting Airplay’: Corbyn Christmas Single Flops

Corbynistas got mail this weekend from Crispin Flintoff, “JC4PM tour promoter/producerbegging them to download Jezza’s Christmas single because it is struggling to make it into the charts at all let alone be the Christmas number one:

“As a means of getting the message across about Jeremy Corbyn being a popular man with credible and exciting policies, we have released a Christmas single ‘JC4PM for me’. Our aim is for it to hit the charts and we will then see if it will get airplay (it’s not at the moment).”

Do Corbynistas know it’s Christmas time at all?

Nigel Evans Makes Christmas Great Again

What is it with Donald and Nigels?

Guido Christmas Appeal: Hug A Scrooge This Christmas

Westminster scrooges

As the year draws to a close in Wesminster, Guido can’t help but notice a distinct lack of Christmas cheer and jollity on the cobbled streets of SW1. First Labour leader Jebeneezer Corbyn refused to issue a traditional festive Christmas message in a most deplorable display of humbug, instead delaying his salutations till the New Year. How miserly to refuse the merry Corbynites a Christmas message from their leader…

Following this Kerry McCarthy penned a Grinch’s charter on how she is sick of Christmas. Writing on her blog, the Shadow Farming Minister bemoans that Christmas means getting “up close and personal with bits of dead animals”. Guido thinks she should have a word with our festive Prime Minister, who shares no such qualms…

Such mean spiritedness is not limited to the opposition benches though. It appears some newspaper hacks are similarly down in the dumps. Perennial scrooge Zoe Williams has taken to the Guardian to damn Christmas as a mean “prank played on middle aged women”, encouraged by sinister forces like Nigella Lawson. This isn’t the first time Zoe has struggled with Christmas however, having written last year of the Christmas struggle of trying to “formulate an anti-consumerist worldview that doesn’t involve becoming a killjoy”A challenge those of us with children can all too easily relate too…

Such unhappiness at this time of year concerns Guido, and in the spirit of Christmas cheer there can only be one solution: Hug a scrooge this Christmas. 

Do you see a relative sitting glumly at the end of the table, Christmas hat drooping down over their brow, ruminating on Corbyn’s poll scores? A Green Party member, half-heartedly tugging on a cracker, lamenting the lack of vegan options and absence of Greenham Common activists in their family? A Stalinist wracked with guilt at the orgy of decadent Imperialist consumerism that Christmas occasions? Give them a hug, let them know it’s Christmas Time after all…

Guido wishes goodwill to all men (and women) this Christmas eve.

The First Noël, Chris Grayling Did Say

Last week Ebenezer Grayling threatened to pull out of a charity carol singing event because the local UKIP candidate had been booked to play the organ. Despite at first demanding to know how his emails were leaked to this blog, Guido is pleased to report that Grayling eventually embraced the yuletide spirit and took part. ‘Kipper church organist Robert Leach reveals:

“It was a very happy, joyful occasion. Chris Grayling did turn up. He turned up after I started playing and completely ignored me. I don’t understand it. Does he think I’m going to be playing Away in a Manager so seductively that everybody is going to say ‘listen to the piano player playing so beautifully I’m going to vote UKIP?'”

In the end £500 was raised for charity. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Pickles’ Godly Christmas Card: No Festive Truce at DCLG

After it fell to Ed Davey and DECC to provide us with this year’s political correctness gone mad Crimbo-ban story, Eric Pickles’ office have responded in characteristically pugnacious form:

“It’s been a busy year. We reversed the policies of Edward Heath; defended the right to (office) party; exposed Gordon Brown’s Big Macbill; bunked in with Theresa May to save £220 million; shelved Labour councils’ plans to hike the cost of your weekly shop; extrapolated Labour’s Jammie Dodgers bill; sent in Commissioners to clean up Tower Hamlets; did our bit for ‘elf and safety by encouraging bonfires; turned the screw on the union pilgrims; told the last one out of Labour HQ to turn off the lights; marked Europe Day by celebrating the liberation of Jersey from the Nazis; and commemorated Britain’s Victoria Cross heroes from a century past.

In some parts of Whitehall, Christmas cards are passed round like Samizdat in Soviet Russia. Not here. Have a very Merry Christmas!”

Well, tonight thank God it’s them instead of you…

Ebenezer Grayling Threatens to Cancel Christmas

Every year in Epsom, Chris Grayling, the local mayor and assorted council dignitaries put aside their political differences to sing carols and raise money for charity. This year, the organisers booked a local church organist and qualified musician named Robert Leach to play the piano. Robert routinely plays at churches, schools, hospitals and old folks homes, but Ebenezer Grayling can’t get over the fact he is also the UKIP candidate in the seat for next year. The Tory MP has emailed the organisers threatening to pull out:

From: GRAYLING, Chris 
Sent: 16 December 2014 22:53
To: 
Cc:
Subject: Saturday

Dear xxx

I note that you have departed from the norm and invited the UKIP parliamentary candidate to take part in the carol singing this weekend. In the past this has been an event purely for the Mayor and the Member of Parliament. I wonder what has prompted this change and if indeed you have extended the invitation to take part to one candidate, I would like to be reassured that you have done so for all parliamentary candidates. If you have not done so, then I will have to consider whether it is appropriate for me to take part – given how close we are to the election.

Yours

Chris

Not exactly embracing the festive spirit in this season of goodwill, especially since Grayling happily sang along while Kipper Robert played the keyboard a few years back. This year’s carol singing is on Saturday, so hopefully Grayling will don his Santa hat and stop being such a Scrooge. Bah, humbug!

Pic via Legal Cheek.

Mark Reckless’ Godless Christmas Card

reckless

No Jesus, just Cameron’s kitchen sink.

Blogging May Be Light This Morning…

Guido is nursing a sore head from yesterday’s Christmas lunch, which overran somewhat.

After Martin Rowson shamelessly cancelled on his promise to sketch the team due to corporate influence, eminent artist Iain Martin graciously stepped in:

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/5cc/7515463/files/2014/12/img_18131.jpg

We’ll be back shortly…

Going for Lunch: Meme Miliband Challenge

meme-machine

Ed Miliband’s 7-minute immigration speech reminded Guido of something…

one-does-not-simply-walk-into-mordor

So here goes…

ONE-DOES-NOT-MEME

Co-conspirators can use the top picture to create their own versions and upload into the new comments system below.

We will try sort out a goodie bag for the best entry.

We’re off to our Christmas lunch, blogging may be sporadic… see you in 2015.

Bercow’s Godless Christmas Card

Bah, humbug!

Boris’ Godless Christmas Card

Via @stephenkb

Miliband’s Godless Christmas Card

Writing his manifesto…

Cameron’s Godless Christmas Card

Exclusive: Merry Clegg-mas – DPM’s Card

cleggmas

Godless.

Nigel Farage’s Godless Christmas Card

Lots of trolling, no Baby Jesus.[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +

Seen Elsewhere



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Quote of the Day

Peter Mandelson tells Emma Barnett…

“I think that Jeremy Corbyn himself should search his conscience and ask himself whether he’s the best person to lead the Labour Party into the general election with the best chance of success for the party.”

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