The anti-free trade moaners have quietened down about the UK’s deal with Australia now that it is bearing fruit. The deal kicked off by Truss, which came into force in May last year, removed tariffs on goods exports, provided easier market access for services, and cut red tape for visas. Now that the results are in the remoaners will be feeling down under…

UK farmers continue to sell their produce unabated. Meanwhile, total trade in goods and services between the UK and the Aussies shot up to £19.5 billion in the four quarters to Q3 2023, an increase of 18% on the year before. UK exports to Australia are booming. It’s a g’day for CANZUK…

Strangely, Labour’s dossier of GPC spending omits lots of the details provided within ministers’ answers to Emily Thornberry’s written questions. One such example is spending by the Foreign Office with a company called Capital Pinball, purchased multiple times by the department from 2021 to 2022. Summing £13,263.

In response to one of Emily’s questions, the FCDO revealed that Capital Pinball had provided furniture hire for the British High Commission in the Aussie capital Canberra, and the High Commissioner’s official residence Westminster House. Among the events catered for parties for were: the Queen’s Birthday Party; UK in Australia’s 2021 end-of-year reception; a lunch for Chevening scholars… and a networking reception for Labor party staffers after the Australian federal election. UK Labour’s sister party…

Presumably while the left-wing staffers from down under were enjoying their taxpayer-funded largesse, they were similarly disgusted by the UK government’s waste – especially that spaffed on furniture provided by Capital Pinball. Guido presumes UK Labour staffers will turn down any reciprocal invitation from Australia’s London High Commission should they win the next election…

After the Finnish PM was caught partying over the weekend, it seems the new Australian PM Anthony Albanese is also joining in the international party atmosphere. The Sydney crowd was in high spirits on Monday night when they spotted their commander-in-chief at a Gang of Youths concert, an atmosphere that only improved when he gave into chants and downed his pint for them. Admittedly he’s got a long way to go before he reaches the beer-swigging notoriety of his predecessor Bob Hawke, who whilst at Oxford notoriously sculled a yard of beer in just eleven seconds. Liz will be counting down the days until she can join the international club of party-loving PMs… 

Guido was pleased to kick off Westminster’s party season last night at the Aussie High Commissioner’s residence over in Kensington, although guests weren’t actually invited inside and had to use portaloos in the neighbour’s driveway. The guest of honour was Defence Secretary Ben Wallace, who took a night off battling for Ukraine to get dressed up and pose next to the BBQ’s head chef.

While Ben may have been guest of honour, the star of the show was undoubtedly the food itself – Guido can confidently predict the next fortnight’s worth of canapés will struggle to compete. A speech prior to the feast saw Meat & Livestock Australia’s spokesman extolling the virtues of the new UK-AUS free trade deal, which will allow their fantastic beef and lamb to once again flood UK supermarket shelves.

Also spotted enjoying the catering and speeches was, ironically, none other than the SNP’s Angus Brendan MacNeil, whose role as chairman of the Commons’ Trade Committee saw him bemoan said trade agreement last year as “something which brings significant harms as well as benefits”:

“The views of the entire farming sector especially are no secret now, including those in the devolved nations, who are particularly concerned about being undercut by cheaper meat and dairy produce from ‘down under’.”

MacNeil managed to park his concerns while tucking into mounds of 12-hour slow-cooked beef brisket. Hard-left MP Lloyd Russell-Moyle also showed up, having decided his rail picketing was secondary to a posh drinks do at the High Commissioner’s Knightsbridge residence…

Our Aussie cousins go to the polls today for their federal elections, with the incumbent Liberal–National Coalition government, led by Scott Morrison, seeking to win an unprecedented fourth consecutive term. There hasn’t been much British coverage, apart from footage of PM Morrison rugby tackling a child, which drew instant parallels with Boris’s own 2015 attempt to put a kid in A&E while playing a match in Japan.

The similarities don’t stop there, like the Tories’ ultra-slick 2019 online operation, involving s**tpost social media graphics and memes, both centre-right parties have now tried their hand at digital music production. The UK Tories released a 70-minute-long lo-fi beats music video, and now the Aussie Liberals have put out this incredibly earwormy song taking social media by storm. Good luck trying to get it out of your head…