London Taxi Drivers Threaten “Cab Scabs” on Twitter

uber scab

Increasingly deranged militant London cabbies are taking to Twitter to shame other taxi drivers who dare to use the Uber app in order to drum up more work. Uber, the phone app that allows users to order a private driver at the click of the button, have offered an olive branch to black cabs, whose business they have been eating into, by allowing them to sign up to Uber and receive ride requests. So much for gratitude…

But heavily unionised loons are not happy that some of their colleagues are audaciously tapping into the free market in order to make more money. They have been taking screenshots of taxis looking for work on Uber and posting them on Twitter along with pleasantries such as “scabs” and “scum” and “Uber c**t”. 

In a disturbing development some cabbies are publicly identifying their fellow drivers and posting their details online:

uber cunt

Responding to the above tweet, other cabbies posted Simon’s phone number while others sinisterly hinted at finding Simon to say a “big hello”.

Bring on driverless cars…

Tories Admit New Voter Software is Busted

A leaked email has revealed the Tory field data operation is in dire straights just 98 days from polling day. With half of their associations dumping the dire Merlin voter data software for a new voter contact system, CCHQ have now been forced to admit that the upgrade is busted too. In the busiest donation period of the entire election cycle, party bosses have admitted that all donations of over £500 have to be declared manually to CCHQ with a spreadsheet rather than simply entered in the software – as promised. Which defeats the point of the expensive change over…

To: ALL CONSTITUENCY OFFICES, CHAIRMAN, DEPUTY CHAIRMAN MEMBERSHIP AND FINANCE
Cc: FIELD STAFF

As you know, the Party is replacing the MERLIN software with a new membership and campaigning system called VoteSource. Over 350 associations have already decided to move to VoteSource, and their MERLIN has not been updated with the new registers of electors that were published on 1 December in England and Wales*. For these users VoteSource must now be used for all election campaigning. Donors giving over £500 to the Association, or over £50 directly to a candidate, must be checked on VoteSource, but see below for how to report.

A number of associations have decided to remain on MERLIN. For these seats, donors giving over £500 to the Association, or over £50 directly to a candidate, must be checked on MERLIN, but only after you have explicitly been told by the Helpdesk that your MERLIN is being rolled over to the new register. If in doubt about your MERLIN’s status, please email XXXXXX@conservatives.com, or to check donors email their name and address to XXXXXX@conservatives.com

Donation reporting functionality will be added to VoteSource soon. Until then, donations over £500 must be recorded on the attached spreadsheet. We will, as usual, send a spreadsheet at the end of the quarter** showing any donations that reach us through MERLIN, but otherwise this sheet should be your main reporting form. For the password, please call us on 020 7x XXX XXX

Remember that donations for January to March will need to be reported by 10 April, ie in the middle of the peak of campaigning, and so we strongly recommend that you update this sheet as and when you receive donations in order to avoid extra stress in April. Donations that are being made directly to a candidate or the election agent account are subject to the £50 threshold for checks, and are listed on the return of election expenses INSTEAD of reporting to us.

The Helpdesk will announce when donation functionality is available in VoteSource, but until then if you have any donation or reporting queries please do not hesitate to contact us: XXXXXXX@conservatives.com, 020 7XXX XXXX

* In Scotland, registers are not due to be updated until 10 March.

** Donations checked between 1 January and 30 March will be emailed to the association office on 11 April.

There are a lot of rather irate agents out there, facing a load more hassle.

World’s Second Most Popular Porn Website Infecting Viewers

hamster

xHamster, the second most popular pornography website in the world with half a billion viewers a month, is infecting a huge number of its goggle eyed clientel with malware. The smut merchants at xHamster have been in the spotlight before for not protecting their viewers from malicious software, but according to one analyst, the past few days have seen computer infections originating from xHamster increase by 1500%.

Attackers are taking advantage of a recently discovered vulnerability in Adobe’s Flash player to infect the computers of online erotica aficionados who click on advertising on the xHamster website with the Bedep trojan, a virus that constantly downloads new viruses the victims computer.

Techno Guido recommends using protection..

 

1% of the Planet’s Population Bought an iPhone Last Quarter

apple-store-queue

Crunching the numbers on Apple’s record breaking last quarter – the most profitable quarter in corporate history – you reach a startling conclusion: one percent of the world’s population bought an iPhone in the three months to 27 December last year.

Apple sold 74.5 million iPhones in that period, which is 1.03% of the world’s 7.2 billion population.

It turns out the there really is a global 1%…

 

Fate of Eurozone Rests in Hands of Videogame Expert

yanis

It was confirmed today that the finance Minister of Greece and thus by proxy the person charged with saving the Eurozone will be the economist Yanis Varoufakis, a self described “erratic Marxist” with an interesting recent job history – three years ago he was hired by the videogame company Valve to manage their real and virtual economies. Yanis has said that he used his time at Valve to sharpen up his understanding of how economies work and used Valve’s internal economies as a test-bed for “meaningful experimentation” on his economic theories. Valve keep their sales figures secret.

Just a couple of years ago Mr Varoufakis was writing in great detail on the Valve company blog about the intricacies of trading laser guns, keys and earmuffs in the videogame Team Fortress 2 – something he likened to Adam Smith’s “concept of an economy that sprang from a penchant for pure exchanges”.

It’s probably worth a shot…

Peer: ISIS Gains “Entirely Due” to WhatsApp or Snapchat

In a moment of admirable honesty while scrutinising the Counter-Terrorism and Security Bill, former defence secretary Tom King admitted that while he’s not a tweeter and he does not know about WhatsApp and Snapchat, he is certain that “the terrorists and jihadists do”:

So certain is Lord King of the terrorists’ prowess with WhatsApp and Snapchat, that he believes the reason for ISIL’s advance across Iraq and Syria was entirely down to the teenage sexting apps:

“It includes the use of things that not all your Lordships—that certainly includes me—are masters of. I am not a tweeter. We have Facebook and Twitter. Somebody tried to explain WhatsApp to me; somebody else tried to explain Snapchat. I do not know about them, but it is absolutely clear that the terrorists and jihadists do. The understanding is that part of the reason for ISIL’s amazing advance across Syria and into Iraq was that their communications were so good and the way they kept together was entirely due to one or other of the last two systems that I mentioned, which they handled with great intelligence.”

 This message will self destruct in 10, 9, 8….

Police Armpit Lineups: Cops Catch Crims With BO Test

usual

Police line-ups are notoriously unreliable, but a new scientific study may have stumbled across a more accurate way of identifying criminals – the BO test. According to the study published in the Public Library of Science, our noses could be more reliable than our eyes when it comes to picking out a bad guy.

In order to prove their overlooked “nosewitness” identification concept, the smell boffins behind the study showed some participants a short video of a man carrying carrying out a crime against a woman while a jar of  body odour was wafted in front of them and other participants a neutral video with the same smell.

The  participants rated the video in terms of “vividness, pleasantness and arousal” – the crime video were “rated as significantly more arousing”. When given a smell lineup 15 minutes later 68% of those who saw the crime and 45% of those who saw the neutral video were able to identify the odour.

The study notes that although highly arousing events such as witnessing a crime usually lead to a decline in visual recall of the event, it seems we are wired to remember odours encoded during negative emotions.

Is Lynx the new balaclava…

GCHQ Threaten “Ethically Worse” Tactics Over Snapchat Row

banksy

Sir David Omand, a former Director of GCHQ, has told an audience at the LSE that spooks will be forced into “ethically worse” behaviour because of the trend towards end-to-end encrypted communications used by apps such as Snapchat and Whatsapp. Sir David, who in his role as security and intelligence co-ordinator at the Cabinet Office insisted to Tony Blair that Daivd Kelly’s name should be given to the foreign affairs select committee, warned that spies will be forced into “close access work” because they can’t monitor en masse the encoded information sent through mobile messaging services.

Close access work means agents getting physically close to and monitoring suspects. i.e. doing their job.

“One of the results of Snowden is that the companies are heavily encrypting end to end, that’s probably inevitable, it would probably have come anyway. But Snowden has accelerated it. The result is that the intelligence agencies and the police are not going give up trying to get the bad guys, they’ve just got to get closer to the bad guys. So what we’re actually going to see I predict is more close access work. Now you can say that’s more targeted so that fits your way of thinking, but in terms of intrusion into personal privacy, collateral intrusion into privacy; we’re actually likely to end up in ethically worse positions than we were before.”

Techno Guido is confused why specifically targeting the bad guys is “ethically bad”…

H/T TBIJ

New Saudi King Renames Roads While Body Still Warm

king road

Following the death King Abdullah this morning, the newly appointed absolute monarch of Saudi Arabia King Salman has waited no time in doing what all good employees should – updating his online presence. Within hours of his brothers death, Google has changed the name of Prince Salman Road in Riyadh to King Salman Road. The body is still warm…

King Salman was also quick to change his Twitter handle from @HRHPSalman to @KingSalman, a name it appears he has been squatting on for some time.

king twitter

Someone called “Richard” is sitting on @king_uk. Guido wonders who is might be…

Strike For Drunk Tube Driver Says It All

tube strike

Another year, another tube strike on the cards. The RMT union are balloting members on Monday and could be launching industrial action as early as 17 February. This time the militants are upset that one their comrades was fired for turning up to work boozed up. All out… on the lash!

It seems as good a time as any to remind downtrodden London commuters that we don’t actually need drivers. By Guido’s arithmetic there are at least 63 fully automated subway train systems in world, including Dockland’s Light Railway which has been happily driver free since its construction.

So why isn’t the rest of tube network automated? Well, much of it kind of is; the Jubilee, Victoria and Central lines are all semi-autbuttonsomatic. The ‘drivers’ literally have to press two buttons at the same time once and the train drives itself. Not bad for £50,000 a year, and no wonder they think they can do it drunk.

The RMT’s stranglehold over the Underground is so great that even though Boris’ soon to be delivered 250 new trains are capable of running on auto, they will have drivers until the 2020s.

Robots don’t strike.

Yet Another Labour Party Internetz Win

Picture the scene. You have just filmed a hard-hitting party political broadcast with a 91 year old war hero. It’s strong stuff, and you think it will get people interested in your party. So, at the end of the PPB, you put your party’s website up on the screen. Except, instead of the correct URL (www.labour.org.uk/harry), you send them to www.labour.org/harry, a parked domain that belongs to someone else and used to for  job recruitment. “But we don’t need millions for this election, as we’re going to win the internetz.”

iPen Ain’t Gonna Happen

apple_haptic_stylus

Tech journalists have been lapping up a report by analysis firm KGI Securities that confidently predicts Apple will unveil a Stylus for its iPad in the second quarter of this year. It would be quite a change of philosophy for Apple whose entire empire is now built on screens you jab your finger at, so you would have thought KGI had some pretty explosive evidence upon which to base their prophecy. But no, it turns out Apple has filed some patents for stylus type devices over the last few years.

headlines

As every Apple geek knows, the Cupertino giant patents anything remotely related to their products – they even have a patent for sensors that will tell your iPhone when your shoes wear out. It’s become a rule at Apple to be prepared to fight a patent war with anyone after they got stung for $100m by Creative who claimed the first iPod infringing its patents. And Steve Jobs did have quite strong feeling on styluses:

Techno Guido will eat his Nexus if they actually make an iPen…

How’s That Social Media Thingy Working Out For Ya?

Remember when Labour tried to boost party morale by claiming that they may be outspent at this election, but at least they were winning the internetz? Well Facebook has not gone very well for them today. #CameronMustGo

Billionaire Tech Titan Shows HS2 How It’s Done

hyperloop

Dastardly billionaire Elon Musk, the mastermind behind Tesla Motors and SpaceX, has announced he will be build a test track for his fabled Hyperloop transport system. Described by Musk as a “cross between a Concorde and a railgun and an air hockey table”, the Hyperloop will propel capsules through a partial vacuum inside a continuous steel tube at 700 mph. It was proposed by Elon as a cheaper and faster alternative to California’s hugely over-budget high speed railway. Theoretically it would cut the 354 mile journey from LA to San Francisco down to 35 minutes. Musk’s initial estimate for the Hyperloop’s building costs were $6 billion – some $60 billion cheaper than the proposed railway. 

evil elonIt makes you wonder about our very own unloved and over-budget high speed rail project. Maybe if HS2 Chief Executive  Simon Kirby, the anonymous corporate drone earning £750,000 of taxpayers’ money a year, had a bit more entrepreneurial spirit, we wouldn’t be about to face a £50 billion bill for a slightly faster train to Birmingham. Phase one of of HS2 is due to be completed by 2026, which coincidentally is the year Elon Musk has promised to land humans on Mars.

TechnoGuido has the feeling Mr Musk might beat Mr Kirby to it…

Digital Dave Isn’t Working

dave 1776

The Prime Minister was keen to show off his enthusiasm for all things digital today when he stopped by 1776, a “global platform for connecting entrepreneurs”, in DC. “So how do we un-encrypt this…”

Left Swipe: Government Deny Tinder Voter Registration Drive

This curious profile on the dating app Tinder has been raising eyebrows among Londoners looking for love:

Despite its mysteriously official appearance, both the Cabinet Office and the Electoral Commission have denied they are behind the profile encouraging people to register to vote.

tinder2tinder3

If, like Reg, high turnout turns you on, swipe right…

H/T @nero

Digital Dave Wings Policy

cameron obama

Digital Dave might have jetted off to the US to try and sign up his bro Obama to his crusade to outlaw encrypted communications, but it seems that the PM hasn’t been reading his Government’s own policy.

A key objective of The Cabinet Office’s UK Cyber Security Strategy (updated in December) is to “to help shape an open, vibrant and stable cyberspace that supports open societies” by ensuring “members of the public know what they can do to protect themselves, and are demanding good cyber security in the products and services they consume”. IE using encryption…

In fact the Home Office funded CyberStreetWise blog advises people to use encrypted websites when buying and selling online.

“It’s always best to use a major site which will use ‘https://’, this means they protect the information you send across their website. It’s easy to spot too, just look for ‘https://’ at the beginning of the web address and a little green padlock at the top of your browser.”

It’s almost as if the PM doesn’t know what he’s talking about…

 

Theresa May Thinks Something Might Have Happened

Theresa May has told the House of Commons that while she doesn’t really know whether it’s true or not, the Charlie Hebdo shooters where probably located by tracking their communications data. Because the Home Secretary feels like something might have happened, it is now apparently necessary for the government to listen to our phones and see our Snapchat naughty pics.

“It is too soon to say for certain, but it is highly probable that communications data was used in the Paris attacks to locate the suspects and establish the links between the two attacks. Quite simply Mr Speaker, if we want the police and security services to protect the public and save lives, they need this capability.”

Because policy based on intuition always works out well…

No, Copies of Charlie Hebdo Aren’t Selling For £500 on eBay

mo

Just about every media publication in the country ran the seemingly irresistible story this morning that people on “prophet-eering” on the latest issue of Charlie Hebdo. According to the Independent,  Mail, Telegraph, Express and the BBC sellers are flogging copies of the satirical magazine for insane prices on eBay. Unsurprisingly a cursory glance at the online auction site reveals things aren’t quite what they seem: half of the highest bids are from buyers with zero feedback, while others buyers are the top bidder on multiple identical items, strongly indicating that the bids and inflated prices are not genuine.

zero bids

As with every other “topical item selling for a crazy amount on eBay” story, something smells fishy about this one. Indeed, most of the sellers admit they don’t yet even have the magazine themselves. Even TechnoGuido’s mum knows not to trust an eBay seller with zero feedback…

Exclusive: Massive NHS Network Failure: “Most Users Affected”

nhs

Another day, another NHS crisis. TechnoGuido can reveal there has been a massive internal IT failure causing chaos in hospitals across the country. The NHS internal broadband network known as N3 has gone down with most users affected nationwide. The N3 network connects over 1.3 million NHS staff and supports both the Electronic Transmission of Prescriptions and the NHS Care Records Service.[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Dr Alexander Kogan, the app developer who originally harvested the Facebook data, said…

“I think what Cambridge Analytica has tried to sell is magic and made claims this is incredibly accurate and it tells you everything there is to tell about you. But I think the reality is it’s not that. If you sit down and you really work through the statistics and you think what does a correlation of point three means, those claims quickly fall apart. And that’s something any person with a statistical background can go and do.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
UK Tech Investment Surges 115% UK Tech Investment Surges 115%
Mogg and 13 Other MPs Write to May Declaring Transition Deal “Completely Unacceptable” Mogg and 13 Other MPs Write to May Declaring Transition Deal “Completely Unacceptable”
Corbynistas Hold Boozy Victory Party as Moderates Vacate HQ Corbynistas Hold Boozy Victory Party as Moderates Vacate HQ
Gloria De Piero’s Office Manager Still In Job Despite Defecting to Tories Gloria De Piero’s Office Manager Still In Job Despite Defecting to Tories
Fake LibDem Newspaper Lies to Richmond and Twickenham Voters Fake LibDem Newspaper Lies to Richmond and Twickenham Voters
Inside the Freer Launch Inside the Freer Launch
Labour Head of Broadcast Now Working For BBC News Labour Head of Broadcast Now Working For BBC News
Owen Jones’ Viral Fake News Owen Jones’ Viral Fake News
Hawking on Corbyn Hawking on Corbyn
Tory Website Down Tory Website Down
Labour Outsources Flashy New Website to Bernie’s US Consultants Labour Outsources Flashy New Website to Bernie’s US Consultants
AOL IM R.I.P. AOL IM R.I.P.
Paul Mason: Ban Uber & Airbnb Paul Mason: Ban Uber & Airbnb
Mini-Nuclear Plants Produce Cheap Energy Mini-Nuclear Plants Produce Cheap Energy
Greens Live in Most Expensive Homes Greens Live in Most Expensive Homes
Why Transition Must Be Short Why Transition Must Be Short
PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum PICTURES: Seumas’ Temper Tantrum