Green Doesn’t Take Chance to Apologise

John Mann gave Damian Green the chance to apologise at PMQs, he did not take him up on it. Answer heard in silence…

Thornberry Throws Green With Trick Question

Deft opening move from Emily Thornberry, who threw Damian Green by asking if he was happy to be held to the same standards in government that he required of others whilst in opposition. A startled Damian thought what we are all thinking. Turns out cunning Thorners was talking about an old PMQ he once asked on the NHS…

DPMQs: Who’s Asking The Questions?

Questions to The Prime Minister

Q1 Melanie Onn (Great Grimsby) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 29 November.

Q2 Rosie Duffield (Canterbury)

Q3 John Mann (Bassetlaw)

Q4 Steve McCabe (Birmingham, Selly Oak)

Q5 Mr Simon Clarke (Middlesbrough South and East Cleveland)

Q6 Patrick Grady (Glasgow North)

Q7 Sarah Jones (Croydon Central)

Q8 Wayne David (Caerphilly)

Q9 Tommy Sheppard (Edinburgh East)

Q10 Wes Streeting (Ilford North)

Q11 Matt Warman (Boston and Skegness)

Q12 Mhairi Black (Paisley and Renfrewshire South)

Q13 Marsha De Cordova (Battersea)

Q14 Rebecca Pow (Taunton Deane)

Comments in the comments…

PMQs Sketch: The Grey-Some Twosome’s Budget Panto

Theresa May and Philip Hammond have the least sexy Prime Minister-Chancellor relationship in British political history. Thatcher-Lawson, Major-Lamont, Blair-Brown: these titanic battles of personality and politics had real zing. There was a dangerous chemistry about each, and like two reactive elements thrust together, the mixtures would eventually explode. Our grey-some twosome are too dull even to destroy one another…

How utterly similar they looked: like two wan Waitrose shoppers. You can imagine them now, plodding down the high street in any nameless provincial town. We are told there is no love lost between them, but today, they co-ordinated to stage the crumbling theatre’s final panto. Both seemed to know they had little to lose…

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Corbyn Goes Shouty Crackers

Jezza looking a little stressed as he struggled to come up with a response to the Budget…

Hammond’s Banter Budget: All the Jokes

Some real groaners…

May-Hammond Cough Sweets Double Act

Wahey!

Corbyn’s Black Rod Message Backfires

“I hope it isn’t going to take 650 years before the Labour Party has a female leader.”

Jezza walked into that one.

Budget PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Thangam Debbonaire (Bristol West) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 22 November.

Q2 Nigel Huddleston (Mid Worcestershire)

Q3 Kirsty Blackman (Aberdeen North)

Q4 Fiona Bruce (Congleton)

Q5 Bob Blackman (Harrow East)

Q6 Kelly Tolhurst (Rochester and Strood)

Q7 Joan Ryan (Enfield North)

Q8 Yasmin Qureshi (Bolton South East)

Q9 Kirstene Hair (Angus)

Q10 Stephen Hammond (Wimbledon)

Q11 Peter Kyle (Hove)

Q12 Andrew Bowie (West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine)

Q13 Nic Dakin (Scunthorpe)

Q14 Toby Perkins (Chesterfield)

Comments in the comments…

Rudd Sorry For Missing Key Brexit Vote Last Night

Five divisions in the Commons last night on the EU Withdrawal bill had MPs running back and forth from their offices, dinner and the terrace to the voting lobbies. Amber Rudd managed to turn up for four of the votes, but curiously appears to have missed the crucial division on the Charter of Fundamental Rights. This was the tightest vote of the evening, the government won by 311-301 – just ten votes. Rudd made it to the votes before and after, but oddly missed the closest one of the night. Guido has asked for an explanation… the whips will be keen for one too…

H/T @mrharrycole

UPDATE: A source close to Amber Rudd says:

“Between the votes last night Amber had to deal with an urgent call about a National Crime Agency issue. She cut it too fine and missed one vote for which she has apologised to the Whips. She voted in the other 4 out of 5 votes last night.”

Victory! Parliament’s Lego Lord Nelson Restored

When parliament’s Lego Lord Nelson went missing from the top of his model column, Guido immediately launched an investigation to solve the mystery. Today, we can report that Nelson has been restored to his rightful place.

A senior parliamentary source said:

“Thankfully a Tory staffer has replaced the stolen Nelson in a patriotic act of goodwill. Efforts will be made to observe this Nelson to ensure he doesn’t go walkabouts again. Justice.”

Parliament Week saved…

PMQs Sketch: Were Her Strepsils Swapped for Performance Enhancers?

At Prime Minister’s Questions, at six minutes past midday, Theresa May almost began to dance. Jeremy Bernard Corbyn had just tried to catch her off-guard – rather like a mugger – by leading on London’s crime wave. That is, the plague of midnight stabbing and acid-ing unleashed by New Labour’s lost children. Cue Theresa: “He might not have noticed but the Police and Crime Commissioner in London is the Mayor…”

As soon as she said “mayor”, Theresa May started to flick her wrist back and forth, finger outstretched, pointing between the government and opposition benches. This is a new action in a limited repertoire of gestures, a far cry from the ‘nothing has changed maniacal double-hand wave’. Turning side on, she paused, then said: “is he one of ours or one of yours?”

Unusually, her backbenchers roared with glee. Damian Green raised a smile wider than a pornstar’s legs. And then it really started to happen.  Riding the crest of the wave, as stand-up comics call it, Theresa May herself smiled and said: “perhaps the leader of the Labour Party thinks the mayor’s not Labour enough for him.”

Had her Strepsils been swapped for some banned performance enhancing drug? How long could this near-symphonic high last for the Prime Minister? She had succeed in delighting the House more with this attacking first answer than she has at any parliamentary appearance since the election. Put more of this in her Benylin!

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PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Tom Tugendhat (Tonbridge and Malling) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 15 November.

Q2 Mark Pawsey (Rugby)

Q3 Drew Hendry (Inverness, Nairn, Badenoch and Strathspey)

Q4 Carolyn Harris (Swansea East)

Q5 Oliver Dowden (Hertsmere)

Q6 Michael Tomlinson (Mid Dorset and North Poole)

Q7 Nigel Mills (Amber Valley)

Q8 Stephen Gethins (North East Fife)

Q9 Michelle Donelan (Chippenham)

Q10 Mary Creagh (Wakefield)

Q11 Ms Marie Rimmer (St Helens South and Whiston)

Q12 Kit Malthouse (North West Hampshire)

Q13 Stephen Lloyd (Eastbourne)

Q14 Paul Masterton (East Renfrewshire)

Q15 Tracy Brabin (Batley and Spen)

Who Nicked Nelson? Parliament’s Lego Mystery

How are the parliamentary authorities marking UK Parliament Week? By setting up a big Lego model of the Palace of Westminster, Tower Bridge and Trafalgar Square, of course. But there’s something (or someone) missing from the diorama currently on display in Portcullis House. On Nelson’s column, there’s no Lord Nelson…

There are conflicting accounts as to when Nelson disappeared. One researcher pointed the finger at “leftists”, alleging that the model Nelson may be absent due to the controversy over the real statue’s supposed connotations. Guido hears excited staff are now plotting to replace the missing Nelson with their favourite little Lego men and women. If you have seen Nelson, get in touch anonymously…

Will Corbyn Sign Motion Condemning Communist Murders?

Andrew Rosindell has tabled an extremely sound Early Day Motion countering the hard-left’s celebration of the Russian revolution centenary. The motion will remind the House – and the Labour front bench in particular – of the murderous consequences of that fateful ‘revolution’ which ushered in decades of oppression and misery for millions. It reads:

“That this House notes, with great regret, that 7 November 2017 marks 100 years since Russia’s Bolshevik Revolution which subsequently demonstrated, time and again, that Communism is a murderous political ideology, incompatible with liberty, self-government and the dignity of human beings, and injurious to the national, ethnic and religious traditions of the world’s peoples; further notes that Communism subjected millions to theft, surveillance, terror and ultimate destruction; acknowledges that the cultural, political and economic legacy of Soviet Communism still negatively affects vast numbers of people today; and accordingly believes that the crimes of Communism, together with those of its mirror image, National Socialism, must forever serve as a warning to humanity of the terrible consequences of totalitarianism in all its forms.”

Will Corbyn put his name to this? Will any moderate Labour MPs dare to?

PMQs Sketch: House of Commons? House of Wrong’Uns

Westminster is engulfed in scandal, so it was inevitable Jeremy Corbyn would lead on that sordid three-letter-word ending with ‘x’: tax. Importing 957 corporate jets “seems a bit excessive for any island anywhere”, said the Labour leader, once again trying out his tone of jokey understatement, which definitely doesn’t have the ring of having been constantly delivered in front of the mirror.

Actually, who am I kidding? Let’s not bother going through PMQs line-by-line. We all know what’s on your mind. MPs scanned the chamber, their eyes darting from alleged sex pest to alleged sex pest. On the government front bench sat several individuals who had been named in the newspapers in recent days, one only this morning. On the backbenches on all sides there were others. If only there were some kind of spreadsheet to keep track of them…

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PMQs: Who’s Asking the Questions?

Oral Questions to the Prime Minister

Q1 Mr Dennis Skinner (Bolsover) If she will list her official engagements for Wednesday 1 November

Q2 Ms Nusrat Ghani (Wealden)

Q3 Tim Loughton (East Worthing and Shoreham)

Q4 David Linden (Glasgow East)

Q5 Chris Law (Dundee West)

Q6 Mrs Cheryl Gillan (Chesham and Amersham)

Q7 Fiona Bruce (Congleton)

Q8 Gavin Newlands (Paisley and Renfrewshire North)

Q9 Alex Chalk (Cheltenham)

Q10 Bridget Phillipson (Houghton and Sunderland South)

Q11 Oliver Dowden (Hertsmere)

Q12 Lisa Nandy (Wigan)

Q13 Kevin Hollinrake (Thirsk and Malton)

Q14 Leo Docherty (Aldershot)

Comments in the comments…

Jared O’Mara* Sketches PMQs

New Arctic Monkeys album is sh*t and Palestine’s bloody dead to be honest, mate, so ended up watching this thing called PMQs. Chief whip texts to say I can’t actually go into the chamber because I’ve been in the news a lot. Not in NME, so haven’t seen it…

Massive shame because I’ve never actually watched PMQs before, ever, in my entire life, so not sure what to expect. If I’m honest I have no idea what ‘PMQs’ even stands for. Anyway, like everything in life, would’ve been great to see it in the flesh. If you’re not physically there in the crowd it’s just like listening to a recording of a gig: totally sh*t. Gotta be live, Sheffield style…

TV on, Marmite sarnies on hand, four tinnies, ready for it to bloody kick off, quick dexterous fingers ready to go! Used to do a bit of writing so shouldn’t be too hard to knock out a little riff on this. Piece of fudge cake!

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May on Jared: MPs Must Show Women Respect

Theresa May responds to the Jared O’Mara scandal:

“All of us in the House should have due care and attention to the way in which we refer to other people and should show women in public life the respect they deserve.”

Remarkable it took Labour so long to deal with him.

PMQs: Watch Live


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