After several days of opaque backroom dealings and horse-trading between 0.000005% of the EU’s population, the EU’s slate of new ‘Presidents’ was finally unveiled last night. Not a single one was on a ballot paper anywhere at the last EU elections, it’s a ragtag collection of undistinguished second-tier politicians unloved in their own countries and scandal-ridden appointees from the Davos circuit. Meet your new EU overlords:

European Commission President: Ursula Von Der Leyen. Who?

• Daughter of a senior Eurocrat who was born in Brussels, she’s been German Defence Minister under Angela Merkel for five years. Her scandal-ridden stint in charge is widely regarded as a failure back home in Germany.
• She thinks Brexit is a “burst bubble of hollow promises by populists”, supports a “United States of Europe” and is an enthusiastic cheerleader for an EU army, she even wrote about the importance of preventing “more democratic involvement” from “impeding Europe’s ability to act.” Nick Clegg eat your heart out…
• It turns out she also plagiarised large parts of her doctoral thesis, her university let her off as they said there had been no intent to deceive. She’ll fit right into Juncker’s shoes…

European Council President: Charles Michel

• Former Prime Minister of Belgium who was ousted in a no confidence vote last December, naturally because it’s Belgium he’s still ‘interim Prime Minister’ more than six months later. He now gets rewarded for failure and doesn’t even have to move cities. Theresa May must be gutted she didn’t think of it first…

European Central Bank President: Christine Lagarde

• Everyone’s favourite scandal-hit oompa-loompa is back, evidently the EU didn’t decide that being criminally negligent with €400 million of taxpayers’ money was a barrier to giving her the keys to the Central Bank.
• She might actually have to take a slight pay cut from her whopping half a million tax-free a year from the IMF. Will she still be able to keep her delightful suntan topped up?

High Representative of the Union for Foreign Affairs: Josep Borrell

• Spain’s pugnacious Foreign Minister and onetime European Parliament President has been embroiled in more scandals than Juncker’s had boozy lunches. He was forced to resign from the European University Institute over an undeclared €300,000-a-year conflict of interest. One insider tells Guido the board were just relieved to have any excuse to get rid of the worst president the EUI ever had…
• He was fined €30,000 just last year for a “very serious breach” of insider trading rules on the Spanish stock market, his defence was that it was only 8% of his portfolio. I’m rich, it doesn’t matter!
• He’s fiercely hawkish over Gibraltar and says that the UK will split before Spain, and would welcome an independent Scotland into the EU. Despite his visceral opposition to an independent Catalonia…
• He says that “you have to live with” how Iran wants to wipe out Israel and also likes being highly aggressive with journalists and innocent Catalan protesters. Makes Trump look diplomatic…

You didn’t vote them in, you can’t vote them out, in fact they can do pretty much whatever they like while living off hugely generous salaries and expense accounts funded by your taxes. EU democracy at its finest once again…