Co-conspirators will no doubt remember the August battle to save Geronimo, the adorable alpaca beloved by the entire nation. After weeks of media smears claiming Geronimo had tested positive for bovine TB, the heartless and bloodthirsty civil servants at DEFRA persuaded George Eustice to execute the furry friend. Among the biggest cheerleaders for this course of action was one Tom Harwood, who claimed he must be offed “so that others may live”.

Now it emerges Harwood and his chums were wrong. According to post-mortem tests, Geronimo likely never had bovine tuberculosis – despite a forensic analysis, no evidence for the disease could be found. Veterinary scientist Dr. Iain McGill, who reviewed the results on behalf of Geronimo’s owner Helen Macdonald, said:

“Today is a very sad day. There is nothing in the post mortem results so far that give any evidence of infection in Geronimo. We always felt Geronimo’s diagnosis was unsafe.”

BBC reporter Andrew Plant has just tweeted a bombshell revelation:

“Initial post-mortem examination results on Geronimo the alpaca show no visible signs of Bovine TB. It’s not conclusive proof he was BTB-free – a lab will now look for signs of the disease in cells, a process which could take weeks more.”

This confirms what Guido suspected from the start of this bloody campaign: Geronimo was totally innocent, and he died in vain. There is blood on the hands of all those who called for this beloved creature’s execution. As Guido’s always said, innocent until proven TB.

UPDATE: The Chief Veterinary Officer says an initial post-mortem examination of Geronimo the alpaca has found a “number of TB-like lesions”. Geronimo had to go…

*These tests are preliminary and subject to change.

At midday today, Geronimo the Alpaca was euthanised to “prevent the spread” of bovine tuberculosis. RIP.

This morning, Geronimo was finally escorted from his enclosure, with dozens of Defra hitmen swarming the farm to bring the TB-ridden creature into police custody. Apparently they were met at the gate by a horde of protestors, who attempted (in vain) to save the alpaca’s skin, with one woman even blasting the hitmen with a super-soaker… 

Despite owner Helen Macdonald’s tearful promise to take a bullet for her beloved beast, Geronimo was nonetheless chaperoned into a horse box and driven away under armed protection. A statement from Avon & Somerset police said:

“We can confirm officers are in attendance at a farm in the Wickwar area of South Gloucestershire this morning to support the Animal and Plant Health Agency (APHA), who are executing a court warrant.”

The Alpacalpyse Now begins…

Research from the Food Standards Agency shows that there are “no known cases of people contracting TB from eating meat”, and that so long as infected carcasses pass rigorous safety checks, the meat is fit for human consumption. The risk is so low that discarding the juicy sirloin from, say, a tuberculosis-ridden alpaca would only be a waste. 

With that in mind, Guido’s served up a few recipes any worthy chef might use to get through the leftover alpaca clogging up the fridge. After all, according to Modern Farmer, alpaca meat is “nutritionally superior” to bovine alternatives: higher in protein, yet lower in fat, calories, and cholesterol. “Lean, tender and almost sweet”…

Whether it’s a spicy burger, a stuffed pepper, or a succulent shoulder, the choices are wide and the flavours are strong. Sear, season, and salivate. All you need to do first is kill the beast…

Tom Harwood now has a “public duty“ to kill Geronimo the alpaca after he was sentenced to death by the High Court last night. Geronimo will now lounge on death row for up to 30 days after his fate was sealed by the failed court bid, as owner Helen Macdonald and DEFRA make arrangements for his execution. Tom was on hand to give GB News a rundown of his strongly-held convictions:

Time to set up the chopping block on Parliament Green…