This week was scheduled on the Labour Party’s media grid to be “Government Procurement Card” week – exposing the “GPC files” of the Tories and their big spending ways. The Labour Press team even mocked up a fake Rishi Sunak GPC:

The reputed author of the dossier is the reformed former attack dog Damian McBride. After a time away from politics following Smeargate, McBride returned to SW1 as Emily Thornberry’s political advisor in March 2016. Thornberry being the Shadow Cabinet MP in whose name all the written questions were asked to create the GPC Files…

Damian was around for the birth of Government Procurement Cards in 1997, climbing government ranks as Labour’s GPC spending soared. His “Power Trip” book provides an explicit account of the sort of taxpayer “put it on the card” spending in the Treasury and No. 10 during his years there, for which he’s now attacking the government…

Booze

• ‘We were going to hold a proper end-of-trip party on board, and would happily serve our own drinks so they could have a break’ 
• ‘… if the galleys were still full of unopened bottles of champagne, wine and beer when we were on our return flight from Japan, Santiago or Cape Town, that was all booze already paid for by the hacks just waiting to be drunk’ – this last point is a fiction, the ticket charges for hacks barely covered their own flight costs.
• ‘We were going to hold a proper end-of-trip party on board and would happily serve our own drinks… [after Gordon went to bed] the hard drinking would ensue. I’d kick things off with a quiz then there’d be hours of standing around swapping war stories and jokes, a bit of singing, and … all-night sessions of poker… all while steadily draining what was left of the booze’

Private jets

• ‘If we chartered a flight from BA, Virgin or one of the occasional private airlines we used, then all the food and booze we’d normally consume on a flight was obviously thrown in as well’
• ‘Chartering a plane or, less preferably, block-booking dozens of seats on a scheduled flight was always the most expensive aspect of any overseas visit, and the way we paid for it was by inflating the fares charges to the press to subsidise the travel of Gordon and his team’ – in truth it “didn’t pay for it”, it slightly reduced the overall cost to taxpayers.

Luxury meals

• ‘Gordon did a briefing at the G8 summit in Japan about the need to tackle the world’s waste of food, and then found himself at a luxurious thirteen-course banquet laid on by the hosts that same evening’

Extracurriculars

• ‘When Gordon finally came down, Balls said: “Damian’s got a theory about this hotel to tell you.’ Before I could say anything, Gordon said: “I know, we’ve got to get out of here, this place is full of hookers’
• ‘We’d drive out to Summers restaurant and Sports Bar in Arlington on Saturday mornings, Sunday lunchtimes and weekday afternoons to catch any live Premiership or Champions League games. Gordon wouldn’t drink…’

It is clear that Damian and the Brownites particularly enjoyed their times in America. Guido has come across an old Freedom of Information release from the days when his inseparable pal Ed Balls was Education Minister and he with Damian McBride would let the government procurement card be their flexible friend when it came to drinking and dining. Remember that civil servants not ministers are the ones issued with cards. Note the thousand dollar American bar bills and the thousand pound plus dinners in two of Guido’s favourite Westminster restaurants; Osteria Dell Angelo and the Cinnamon Club:

Apart from the Freedom of Information release above, all the quotes are taken from Damian’s 2014 confessional book “Power Trip: A Decade of Policy, Plots and Spin”. Guido asked the Labour press office to confirm or deny McBride ever had a GPC of his own, or whether Labour commits to ending these practices in government. They haven’t answered…

Since Labour are giving it both barrels on their new Damian McBride-inspired campaign for efficient spending, Guido’s looked through the archives to see how the Shadow Cabinet handled taxpayers’ money when they were in government. A worthwhile effort given they seem to have no issue resurrecting the political career of Douglas Alexander, despite his notorious expense fiddling…

First up, the Shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper. At the time of the expense scandal in 2009, Cooper was the DWP Secretary. Her husband, professional dancer Ed Balls, was the Children’s Secretary. Together, the pair were investigated for flipping the designation of their second home three times within the space of just two years. In total, they claimed £24,400 on their second-home allowance, more than the £23,000 allotted to individual MPs…

While the standards commissioner ultimately ruled the claims were above board because they had paid (ouch) capital gains following their move, the pair were later forced to repay £1,363 each for a mortgage overpayment. Nonetheless, the taxpayer still footed the £2,000 bill for removal men to haul the couple’s furniture around London – and, according to the Telegraph, “submitted regular claims for food, usually totalling up to £600 a month”. The maximum food allowance for a single MP was £400. Not to mention the £225 Cooper spent on a digital camera, and £1,200 on 30,000 calendars. At the time, Cooper and Balls were both on salaries of £141,866 a year…

Last night the Telegraph reported that Education Secretary Nadhim Zahawi had been subjected to a trans rights protest while visiting Warwick University last week. Zahawi was hounded off campus by a group of students accusing him of “inciting hatred” by defining “adult human females” during a talk. In tweets posted by Warwick Pride LGBTQUIA+* Association last Wednesday, the group claimed:

“Zahawi has also made very concerning comments regarding corporal punishment and has made other transphobic remarks such as using the common transphobic dog-whistle “adult human female… the notion that Zahawi does not incite hatred is ludicrous at best.”

A source close to Zahawi says he took questions for nearly half an hour, and when asked about trans rights said the issue needed to be “handled in a loving way, whilst affirming that parents need to be consulted on issues relating to their children and that the rights of trans people need protecting, just as our rights do.” They continued without holding back:

“The hyperbole from a small clutch of hysterical students stands in stark contrast to Zahawi’s caring and nuanced take, which means theese protesters are due glittering careers in a Labour front bench that can’t grasp either the rudiments or biology nor the maturity of grown-up debate.”

The Telegraph’s report missed the key involvement in the protest by one student who interrupted Zahawi’s Q&A to rant about how parents shouldn’t get a look-in if their child thinks they’re transgender. The son of Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls, Joel Cooper.

A video posted by the Warwick Labour society shows Cooper interrupting the question session while another student interrupts him to point out the son of New Labour’s power couple was blacklisted from the event, as organisers believed he and the Labour society were planning to disrupt it. After concluding his monologue he sat down to applause from fellow Labour activist gatecrashers.

Joel shared the clip, premeditatedly recorded for him by a fellow activist, to his Instagram story, where no doubt follower dad Ed Balls saw it.

The intervention from the son of the Shadow Home Secretary comes the same week as Labour once again erupts into a row about whether women can have penises. In March, Joel’s mum, Yvette, was asked on TalkRadio whether she could define what a woman was, and refused to be “drawn down a rabbit hole on this”. The same Tory source quips “The Labour party seem totally unable to shake off penisgate, just as they were getting over cervixgate. It makes one wonder why they bothered with all women shortlists for all those years”.

*Don’t ask.

Now that Imran Ahmad Khan has resigned, SW1 is rife with excited gossip about who comes next in Wakefield – the crucial battleground for Labour. They need to win it to prove they can rebuild the Red Wall and vindicate Starmer’s leadership. Eight days ago Seb Payne used his column to first float the idea that this by-election provides a prime opportunity for an Ed Balls comeback, a prospect exciting fans in Westminster and yet to be extinguished by Ed himself. While Ed Balls hasn’t yet announced his candidacy, Guido is getting ahead of the game and endorsing him anyway. 

The chatter coming out of LOTO and Southside is on the money: Balls has the star power and the charm to make the shadow cabinet interesting again. He’d be one of the very, very few Labour MPs with actual government experience (alongside his wife Yvette, obviously). He can also do Gangnam Style. 

For long-time co-conspirators this endorsement shouldn’t come as a surprise. During Labour’s 2010 leadership election, the Guy Newsroom organised an Ed Balls for Leader rally in Westminster to great success. Balls lost, though it made the campaign a bit less boring. Throw your hat in the ring once again for the people of Wakefield, Ed. Guido backs you. #BallsforWakefield

The rumour mill over at the mini-Shard is whirring regarding which top stars might be poached to front Murdoch’s upcoming TalkTV venture, launching in early 2022. After already nabbing Piers Morgan in September, Guido hears Adam Boulton could be on the cusp of making a return to the Murdoch fold. Announcing his departure from Sky News a week ago, Boulton told The Times, “I mean, to give up daily broadcasting is a wrench. Maybe there’ll be other broadcasting things.” His departure would also time well with the TalkTV launch; he’s expected to leave Sky at the end of 2021. 

In more light-hearted hiring news, Guido hears Ed Balls has also been spotted having conversations at the News UK headquarters, and is also strongly rumoured to be joining the venture.  Especially awkward for GMB – they lost Piers to TalkTV and have only just taken Balls on as a new presenter…

In news that was buried at the end of last month with the announcement of England’s new lockdown, former Shadow Chancellor and Strictly star Ed Balls has taken up a position as Professor of Political Economy at King’s College London. The politician turned reality star had only been an irregular visiting professor since 2015…

In a King’s press release, Balls said: