Friday Caption Contest: Swear Of London Edition

boris-swear

Entries in the comments please…

Boris Recites La Marseillaise

Guido is off to Wembley. Vive la France!

Boris Causes Minor Diplomatic Incident

Things have not gone entirely to plan on Boris’ trip to the West Bank today.

First, a Jewish Chronicle journalist covering the trip alongside British journalists was told by the Palestinians that she could not attend because she is Israeli. Nice.

Then, the Palestinian Prime Minister’s office banned British journalists from attending his meeting with the London Mayor. Palestinian journalists will be allowed to ask questions.

What next? Boris blasted those who want to boycott Israel as “corduroy-jacketed lefties”:

[gigya src=”https://d15mj6e6qmt1na.cloudfront.net/cdn/embed_player.swf” style=”background-color:transparent; display:block; min-width:300px; max-width:700px;” flashvars=”image_option=none&imgURL=&link_color=%2358d1eb&mp3Author=BBC+News&mp3Duration=21168.0&mp3LinkURL=https%3A%2F%2Faudioboom.com%2Fboos%2F3800415-listen-boris-johnson-corduroy-wearing-lefties-remark-causing-security-fears-on-middle-east-visit&mp3Time=12.55pm+11+Nov+2015&mp3Title=LISTEN%3A+Boris+Johnson+%22corduroy-wearing+lefties%22+remark+causing+security+fears+on+Middle+East+visit%3A&mp3URL=https%3A%2F%2Faudioboom.com%2Fboos%2F3800415-listen-boris-johnson-corduroy-wearing-lefties-remark-causing-security-fears-on-middle-east-visit.mp3%3Fsource%3Dwordpress&player_theme=light&rootID=boo_player_1&show_title=true&waveimgURL=https%3A%2F%2Fd15mj6e6qmt1na.cloudfront.net%2Fi%2Fw%2F3785287″ width=”480″ height=”150″ allowFullScreen=”true” wmode=”transparent”]

Comments which led to threats from Palestinians on Twitter of a mass protest and “security concerns” meaning that all Boris’ meetings in the Palestinian territories had to be cancelled. According to LBC’s Tom Swarbrick, who is on the trip, the British press pack have been holed up in their hotel and are now heading back to Jerusalem. Just one problem…

Cripes!

Boris Bikes: Tel Aviv Edition

The Mayor of London has been in Tel Aviv today, undertaking a very serious trade mission to champion tech innovation.

Listen closely for his long-suffering aide heard shouting “Okay Boris. We need to go!”.

UPDATE: More footage has emerged of the Mayor sampling a virtual reality simulator which puts children into the body of animals to teach empathy.

Boris branded it as “a way of trying to overcome childish solipsism”. A feat Guido suspects he is still yet to master…

Boris Doesn’t Rule Out Leading Leave Campaign

Boris again flirted with backing Brexit but appeared to rule out leading the Leave campaign to Nick Ferrari on LBC this morning:

NF: “Are you going to lead the No campaign?”

BJ: “I’m going to see what the outcome of the negotiations is…”

NF: “Would you be prepared to lead the No campaign?”

BJ: “Look, I think it would be absolutely fatal for any campaign if it were to be led by me, frankly.”

NF: “Are you not a leader then? Are you not a leader?”

BJ: “I’m very happy to be a supporter…”

NF: “So you don’t see yourself as a leader?”

BJ: “Listen, Nick, if you want to chop logic with me all morning…”

“Fatal” was an unfortunate choice of word…

Boris Takes a Tumble

Boris’ Broadband Scoreboard

boris-st-george

Boris has launched a programme that will rank buildings in London by their connectivity and help businesses understand whether offices will meet their internet needs. Any building that signs up to the Connectivity Ratings Scheme will receive a technical assessment from WiredScore, who run similar programmes across major US cities, and will be ranked against other London buildings in a searchable database.

There is staggering variability in the the quality of broadband connections across London and a culture of property owners not being upfront about just how bad the connectivity in their building is. By creating a voluntary database, Boris hopes to force landlords to compete against each other to make their properties more attractive to tenants. Now to rank them by proximity to Nandos…

Scarfing Their Way to the Bank: Traders short Borisberry

Luxury fashion retailer Burberry have seen a twelve percent dip in their share price overnight, with CFO Carol Fairweather quick to blame the collapse on the let up in Chinese demand.

boris

Guido wonders if the problem may be in Japan, not China…

Banzai Boris Rugby Tackles 10 Year-Old Kid

Some suggest that it was in fact the kamikaze kid who tried to stop Boris.

Competitive or what?

Last Tango In Osaka

Boris has been spotted in Japan dancing an impromptu waltz in an upmarket department store in Hankyu, Osaka. The lucky lady is Charlotte Gooch, who is starring in a touring production of Top Hat:

One’s a theatrical blonde on manoeuvres, the other’s Charlotte Gooch…

Quote of the Day

Boris flirts with Brexit:

“I think the price of getting out is lower than it’s ever been”

Best of Boris At CPC15

Boris had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand today with a gag-tastic speech. Guido has picked out some of the highlights:
“Folks, give that hooch a miss!’

Boris Goes Row-gue

Boris couldn’t resist the temptation when Olympic hero James Cracknell challenged him to jump on the rower at Conference today.

Life is but a dream…

Public Prefer Boris to Osborne

An Ipsos Mori poll for the Standard this afternoon finds the public prefer Boris to Osborne as the next Tory leader by almost two to one. Osborne is ahead only among Tory supporters…

London Tories Tell Boris to “Think Again” on Uber

boris taxi

Seven London Tory councillors have written to Boris urging him to “please think again” about Transport for London’s proposed crack down on Uber:

“we are worried by Transport for London’s proposed regulations on Uber. Red tape will hit Londoners who want to get a taxi without paying the higher prices that black cab regulation generates… We are sympathetic to black cab drivers who feel TFL’s existing regulations are onerous. The answer is to cut black cab red tape and leave Uber alone.”

The councillors who signed the letter are Paul Church, Thomas Crockett, Peter Cuthbertson, Tony Devenish, JP Floru, Richard Holloway and Gotz Mohindra. Will Boris regret paying lip service to the cabbie lobby?

Boris Forcing Uber Drivers to Speak English

boris cab

Following the launch today of  Transport for London’s consultation on measures that would seriously damage Uber if implemented, Boris Johnson’s team are distancing the Mayor from some of the more draconian proposals. Boris is not keen on some of the crazier ideas. He is however sympathetic to drivers having to pass an English language test for drivers and a cap on the the maximum number of private hire vehicles because they are bringing congestion, circling and pollution. On the pollution point Uber is planning to go all-electric in the next few years.

Capping the number of cars is still very East Germany circa 1984…

60,000 Flock to Back Uber

uber prius

Following the news that Transport for London are launching a consultation today on proposals to kneecap Uber’s business, over 67,000 people have signed a petition to TFL demanding that they back down. If the proposals go ahead passengers would be forced to wait five minutes before they could get into a car and Uber would be banned from showing the available cars on their app.

Techno understands Number 10 are furious with Boris for allowing the consultation to go ahead and are actively seeking ways of forcing him to back down. You can sign the petition here

‘We’ve Had Enough of This Crap’: Cabbies Storm City Hall

The long-running conflict between Boris and London’s cabbie trade unionists has flared up again, with irate drivers storming City Hall to protest after being denied access to a public meeting. Numerous security staff, including young women, were injured, and one person was knocked unconscious. The latest issue of Taxi, the LTDA’s propaganda rag, was keen to stress that the injuries were simply because ‘the sheer weight of numbers outside led to a crush at the entrance doors’, omitting any mention of their own thuggery. The clip of the taxi drivers protesting is reminiscent of a Guy Ritchie cockney crime caper…

Revealed: Top Tory Who Divulged Rival’s Youthful Indiscretions

Dave isn’t the only one who has had his alleged sexual history aired by a loose-tongued colleague. Accepting the Standard’s Most Influential Londoner award last week, Osborne regrettably decided to take a dig at previous winner Boris Johnson, mocking his ambitions to be PM “if the ball came loose from the back of the scrum”“Unlike Boris,” teased George, “I hope the ball won’t come loose from the scrum.” It then escalated very quickly…

“You never know when the ball will come loose,” replied Boris: “Or who will get the ball. We also mustn’t forget the importance of hookers, the meanings of which both our winners know well.” The shocked audience laughed and gasped. Readers will recognise the stinging reference to Osborne’s old dominatrix pal Natalie Rowe.

So, we have a Prime Minister who allegedly engaged in a sex act with a dead pig, and a Chancellor accused of doing gak with a dominatrix. Almost enough to reaffirm your faith in politics…

Taxi Drivers Shut Down Mayor’s Question Time

Taxi Drivers descended on City Hall today to protest Transport for London’s stance on regulating Uber. It was all going so well untill Boris called them “Luddites”

A member of City Hall staff was reportedly knocked out in the ensuing melee.[…] Read the rest

+ READ MORE +



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

According to the Mail, when Tory MP Marcus Fysh called Venezuela a ‘socialist experiment gone wrong’ at PMQs, Jeremy Corbyn mouthed:

“What a complete w*nker.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Snow Such Thing as Impartiality Snow Such Thing as Impartiality
Lefties Duped by ‘Why Socialism Works’ Lefties Duped by ‘Why Socialism Works’
Select Committees Runners and Riders Select Committees Runners and Riders
Meltdown After Nuclear Power Plant Holds Bikini Contest to Choose Interns Meltdown After Nuclear Power Plant Holds Bikini Contest to Choose Interns
DUP Deal Signed DUP Deal Signed
Watch: McDonnell on Grenfell ‘Murder’ Watch: McDonnell on Grenfell ‘Murder’
Sunday Shows Sunday Shows
The Economist’s Lack of Intelligence Unit The Economist’s Lack of Intelligence Unit
Happy Independence Day! Happy Independence Day!
Sun Cleared by Hospital Sun Cleared by Hospital
Exporters Order Books at 29 Year High Exporters Order Books at 29 Year High
Corbyn Refuses to Bow to The Queen Corbyn Refuses to Bow to The Queen
McDonnell Repeatedly Backed Far Left ‘Day of Rage’ Group McDonnell Repeatedly Backed Far Left ‘Day of Rage’ Group
“Soft” and “Hard” Brexit Terms Obsolete “Soft” and “Hard” Brexit Terms Obsolete
Hammond’s “Sound Money” Speech Sadly All Spin Hammond’s “Sound Money” Speech Sadly All Spin
Tommy Robinson Called British Muslims “Enemy Combatants” Tommy Robinson Called British Muslims “Enemy Combatants”
Corbyn Praised at London Hezbollah Rally Corbyn Praised at London Hezbollah Rally