Friday Caption Contest: Hide Jez Edition

Entries in the comments…

Thornberry: Corbyn Opposing Nuclear is “Fake News”

Emily Thornberry reaches for the Trump playbook and tells Sky that saying Corbyn opposes nuclear power is “fake news”. Anyway, here is a video of Corbyn saying “No nuclear power. Decommission the stations we’ve got”.

Emily needs to consult Guido’s guide

Corbyn: I’m Not the Problem

ITV’s Chris Ship asks Jez “Have you at any point this morning looked in the mirror and asked yourself, could the problem actually be me?” Corbyn’s reply: “No. Thank you for your question.”

Momentum: ‘We Proved Them Wrong… This Shows We Can Win Across the Country’

Hilarious email sent by Momentum to their supporters this morning under the subject line: “We proved them wrong”.

“The sceptics wrote us off in Stoke but we proved them wrong. We beat them with our energy, passion and determination.

The Tories may have taken Copeland, but I’ve seen everything we need to win across the country right here in Stoke these last few weeks.

If we build on the momentum from this win, we can beat UKIP and the Tories across the country.”

What are they smoking?

Mason: Labour Needs Younger Leadership Team By 2020

Paul Mason, who last year was recorded admitting “Corbyn doesn’t appeal to the mainstream working class vote”, is at pains to say he doesn’t think Corbyn should resign. Immediately…

“by 2020 we need a younger leadership team that unites the left and centre-left around a clear and radical socialist programme… On the left in Britain we need to find a way for the left and centre left to co-exist within the same Labour team, to respect each other’s ideologies and combine their strengths… Corbyn’s lasting legacy should be to build all that…”

Owen Jones has reached tipping point:

Mason and Jones are both close to Clive Lewis…

McDonnell Blames Blair and Mandelson for Copeland Loss

McDonnell did the Corbynista media round this morning, the leader’s office is blaming Blair as Guido reported they would. Some other notable quotes from McDonnell: “They weren’t convinced that the party supported the nuclear industry”, “There’s mixed views on Jeremy”. #SaveJez…

Electoral Commission Investigating Everybody

The Electoral Commission has announced investigations into the spending returns submitted by not just both the lead campaigners – The IN Campaign Limited (‘Britain Stronger in Europe’) and Vote Leave Limited. In addition the Lib Dems, Grassroots Out Limited, the European Movement, Labour Leave and UKIP have issues under investigation. Somebody called Peter Harris is in trouble for delivering his spending return late without the required audit report. Conservatives IN also delivered their donation report late. Basically the entire political class failed to comply with the rules…

UPDATE: A Vote Leave spokesman said:

“Vote Leave’s accounts were approved by external auditors and we believe we have fully complied with all the spending regulations for the EU referendum. Vote Leave will fully cooperate with the Electoral Commission’s investigation. When we handed in our return on 23 December we realised that we had submitted it with excess spending that did not need to be reported so it was therefore amended. We were also missing a handful of invoices from suppliers but these have since been provided.”

Nuttall Getaway: “Where the F**k’s the Car?”

Exasperated ‘Kipper Lisa Duffy cried: “Where the hell’s the car? Where the f**k’s the car?” as Nuttall made a hasty getaway last night. Taxi…

Tories Win Copeland

Trudy Harrison, Tory13,748 (44%)

Gillian Troughton, Labour11,601 (37%)

Rebecca Hanson, LibDems2,252 (7.2%)

Fiona Mills, UKIP2,025 (6.5%)

Tory majority of 2,147. First government by-election gain since 1982. Best result for a government in a by-election since 1966. Truly dire result for Labour.

Labour Hold Stoke

Gareth Snell, Labour7,853 (37%)

Paul Nuttall, UKIP5,233 (25%)

Jack Brereton, Tory5,154 (24%)

Zulfiqar Ali, LibDem2,083 (10%)

Labour hold Stoke with a 2,620 majority. Nuttall beat 25 year old Tory no hoper Jack Brereton by 79 votes…

Hancock Can’t Name Tory Stoke Candidate

Poor old Jack Brereton…

Fox He Talking About? Mad Corbynista’s Midnight Meltdown

As we await the results in Stoke and Copeland, former Labour MP Chris Williamson – who still claims to be an MP on Twitter – is keeping everyone entertained with this quite mad meltdown. For some reason Williamson appears to be trolling the much-loved veteran broadcaster Alastair Stewart about the death of his chickens:

Step away from the keyboard, Chris…

Carswell: Likely Labour Have Won Stoke

Douglas Carswell all but concedes Stoke:

“I think the most likely outcome is that Labour will win… Stoke is not even in our top 50 target seats.”

Kippers on the ground do not sound particularly confident. Result by 3am…

By-Election Scenarios and Permutations

It is wet and windy up in Stoke and Copeland and by 4 a.m. on Friday morning one of several possible scenarios will be playing out. Guido takes you through your by-election scenarios…

Stoke-on-Trent Central

Labour win, UKIP second, Tories third

If Gareth Snell holds Stoke for Labour then the man who once called Jeremy Corbyn an “IRA supporting friend of Hamas” will, ironically, have helped save Jez. He will have won a seat that has always been safely Labour. Defeat will see Paul Nuttall face criticism from UKIP’s Faragists – remember Farage last week piled on the pressure by saying Nuttall had to win. Jez will be safe…

Labour win, Tories second, UKIP third

If the Tories come ahead of UKIP then the Faragists will actively move against a humiliated Nuttall. Hillsborough, rightly or wrongly, will have damaged him beyond repair. UKIP could have their sixth change of leader in under two years.

UKIP win

Should Labour lose to UKIP, the PLP will be mutinous. Corbyn’s office will blame Tony Blair’s Brexit speech, accusing him of a deliberate act of sabotage. Corbyn will face huge pressure from the left to hand over to Rebecca Long-Bailey or Clive Lewis. Moderates will demand his resignation and discuss another leadership challenge. UKIP will have its second MP, Nuttall becoming a loud Brexiter in the Commons and a credible new voice for working class voters. UKIP will be on the verge of a mainstream tipping point…

Tories win

Should the Tories come from nowhere to win, Corbyn could be toast. The realisation of a Tory one party state and a Scotland-style wipeout of Labour across England will dawn on the Corbynistas. Even Jezza’s closest allies will tell him his time is up. 25 year-old Jack Brereton will be the youngest Tory MP.

Copeland

Tories win

Tory victory in Copeland means Corbyn will face renewed calls to quit from Labour moderates. Owen Jones types will air further doubts about the Corbyn project. Eyes will be on Long-Bailey and Lewis. There will be talk of a summer leadership challenge. Corbyn’s views on the nuclear industry will have been key. Theresa May’s approach to Brexit will be emboldened. A Tory win is already priced in, this will not be a shock to SW1…

Labour win

Labour victory against the odds means Corbyn is safe, or safer if Labour has lost Stoke. Fighting dirty on the NHS will have worked. Talk of a Tory takeover of Northern seats will be deemed premature. An ardent Remainer will have won in a big Leave constituency. May’s awkward visit, in which she failed to answer questions on local NHS services, will be a major embarrassment for Number 10.

UKIP win

You are kidding.

Stay with Guido for coverage during the day and through the night…

Who’s on Question Time Tonight?

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Bannon and Priebus Live at CPAC

White House chief strategist Steve Bannon outlining his worldview of “economic nationalism” at CPAC. With some choice words for the “corporatist globalist media“. He reiterates Trump will not moderate his policies and tells his audience to hold him accountable on his election pledges.[…] Read the rest

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Pro-Trump Twitter Bots Pumping Out Guardian Links

This is a weird one: a co-conspirator has noticed that large numbers of pro-Trump Twitter bots are endlessly pumping out links to the Guardian‘s website. Accounts with names like @TroopsTrump, @ViewTrump, @TrumpNoticie and @DonaldsNewws have been programmed by unknown persons to automatically tweet out Guardian stories, often about Brexit.[…] Read the rest

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Corbyn’s Gitmo Hostage to Fortune

No one is coming out of the Jamal al-Harith story well, be it the Tories, Ken Clarke, Theresa May, the Daily Mail, Tony Blair, David Blunkett or Shami Chakrabarti. Jeremy Corbyn’s 2013 words praising the released Gitmo Britons, including al-Harith, for their “commendable contribution” are also somewhat unfortunate:

“There has been no problem whatever… with any of the British nationals who have been released from Guantanamo Bay, who, in fact, have made a commendable contribution to arguments for justice and for closing it down.”

“No problem” with any of the British nationals released… Sir Humphrey would have described that as a brave line.[…] Read the rest

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Huhne’s Biomass Policy Wasted £450 Million Says His Ex-SpAd

Biomass subsidies implemented by Chris Huhne are costing taxpayers hundreds of millions of pounds and his favoured “carbon neutral” wood pellets are more damaging to the environment than coal, a damning study reveals today. But wait for it… The highly critical review of the disgraced former Energy Secretary’s policy was authored by his own former special adviser Duncan Brack. […] Read the rest

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Maggie’s Flat For Sale For £1.2 Million

112 Swan Court, once the marital home of Margaret and Denis Thatcher, is for sale. The sixth floor apartment just off the King’s Road in Chelsea has far reaching views over the City of London. Very light and airy with two bedrooms and two bathrooms, though fair to say it is in need of a little refurbishment.[…] Read the rest

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