Guido Thanks Guardian Readers

Nobody Wins With 39%

Sedgefield – Reg Keys got 1 in 10 of the votes in Blair’s own constituency – his speech visibly managed to make Blair look a bit choked.

Labour majority looks to be 66, Stephen Twigg did not take it like a man, Gorgeous fought and won his own intifada against New Labour, Milburn is to go back to his family (Gordon helps back his bags). Labour’s victory came on the back of the smallest winning share of the vote ever recorded.

Guido was surprised at the LibDems poor showing, not a real alternative at all. The Tories failed to break 200 seats, which was the target, so no victory parade for them.

The winner, with 39% of the electorate, was the Nullist party with none-of-the-above.

Guido – The Manifesto – Introduction


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The Campaign for Sir Peter Stringfellow

The Indy’s Pandora column reports that Tory vice-chairman Andrew Rosindell received a donation from a local company called Secrets. A firm of that name operates “gentleman’s clubs” across the south-east. Rosindell says “I’ve no knowledge of lap-dancing. The donation came from a Romford businessman, who wanted to help with a civic pin badge project. It was a community thing, and nothing political.”

Strip joints are all the rage in Tory circles: the other night, Baroness Thatcher, visited Stringfellow’s Club, yet more evidence of her good judgement and support for Tory entrepreneurs. Which brings me once again to Guido’s ongoing campaign for a knighthood for Peter Stringfellow. Were he a more boring captain of industry making widgets instead of the world’s most famous nightclub owner, I have no doubt that he would have been knighted by now. Politicians are always recommending lesser non-entity donors for gongs. I think it is way past time that Mr Stringfellow heard the words “arise Sir Peter”. Shame on those who so enjoy his hospitality and support for not having put him forward yet! It is more evidence, as if more evidence was required, that political correctness is out of control.

You can learn more from the great man’s life by reading his surprising and entertaining biography “King of Clubs”. Pledge your Support for the Campaign!

New Labour Attacks Pagan Minorities

At the start of the election campaign there was widespread condemnation of the Tories’ anti-Gypsy agenda, so Guido is shocked to see that amongst the bills rushed through by the government at the end of parliament was a bill to criminalise the picking of magic mushrooms by druids, hippies and pagans. The Home Office boasts that the bill will be law before the Glastonbury festival takes place. (See previous.)

So possession of pretty harmless psilocybin mushrooms will now be an offence comparable to possession of Class ‘A’ Heroin. Guido has enjoyed many evenings with giggling friends after ingesting ‘shrooms and thinks this law is ridiculous. What a bunch of New Labour kill-joys.

Druids and pagans have harvested the naturally occurring, wild growing, psilocybin mushrooms for thousands of years in the British Isles for use in rituals. Imagine the outrage by Muslims if the Green party called for the outlawing of the Halal slaughtering of animals. Why is there so little outrage at the threat to jail ‘shroomers? Druidism is the original indigenous religion of the British Isles, so not content with destroying centuries of legal liberties, Blairites now seek to criminalise four millennia of religious tradition. Why, what harm do ‘shroomers do? It is just another of the government’s over-bearing interfering ways in our private lives.

Guido recommends the excellent Food of the Gods: A Radical History of Plants, Drugs and Human Evolution by Terence McKenna to those interested in the subject.

Balls Up – The Flip Just Flopped

Ed balls, Gordon’s annointed amongst us, claimed after weeks of alleging that the Tories had a “secret agenda” to cut £35 billion, that by 2008 a Conservative government would be spending £15 billion a year more than Labour. The flip just flopped. The Tories will seize on this to blunt the Labour attack. Guido has this handy diagram for Ed to refer to as he revises and modifys his statement. Bet he is feeling a little endogenous now, eh? Best you ‘do a Letwin’ and disappear for the rest of the campaign.

The Campaign for Sir Peter Stringfellow

Buried in the Electoral Commission’s records is evidence of another generous donation to the Tories from the great entrepreneur Peter Stringfellow. It is well know that he has long supported the Tories, can always be seen at social events and is great fun. Guido is amused to think that a little bit of the money he gives so charitably to the young ladies at the Cabaret of Angels ends up in Tory coffers. Peter Stringellow’s achievements, indeed his life, rising from grim Northern poverty to London riches, Mediterranean yachts and popular fame is an incredible British success story. It sets Guido thinking, why has the man not been honoured for what he has achieved?

I should at the outset however declare that Guido and Stringy share a mutual interest in the welfare of our god-son, and I like to think that the young lad has the benefit of the moral guidance and experience that only men of the world like us can offer (in addition to Lego toys).

Nevertheless, even if that were not the case, I would still argue that Peter Stringfellow is a great part of Britain’s cultural life. A generous supporter of many charities as well as an integral part of London’s tourist trade, contributing mightily to the nation’s invisible earnings and balance of payments. The list of his charitable endeavours is surprisingly long – did you know he had done work for the Commission for Racial Equality? Were he a more boring captain of industry making widgets instead of the world’s most famous nightclub owner I have no doubt that he would have been knighted by now. Politicians are always recommending lesser non-entity donors for gongs. I think it is way past time that Mr Stringfellow heard the words “arise Sir Peter”. Shame on those who so enjoy his hospitality and support for not having put him forward yet! It is more evidence, as if more evidence was required, that political correctness is out of control.

You can learn more from the great man’s life by reading his surprising and entertaining biography “King of Clubs”. Pledge your Support for the Campaign!

Labour’s Election Slogan: “Britain Forward Not Back”

Great. Inspiring. Err….

UPDATE: Someone has used that slogan before in a recent political campaign. Guess who? Nicking poster ideas from Goebbels and slogans from your opponent; Abgeordnetkampagne Führer Fraser Kemp and Kampagne Führer Milburn, take a bow. Brown must be laughing his socks off.

UPDATE: The Plain English Campaign accused New Labour of abolishing the verb. The group branded Labour’s new advertising slogan “grammatically suspect”. Alan Milburn, rejected claims that it was vacuous, saying it “symbolised the choice before the British people”. But Plain English Campaign spokesman John Lister said the logo was missing a verb and should read “Britain Forwards, not backwards. The verb seems to have been abolished by New Labour. It sounds like a grammatical nicety but it means you can put across a message with no specific action in it so you can’t be tied down to anything,” Mr Lister added. “It should say ‘forwards not backwards’ just for the sake of linguistic consistency. I think it is grammatically suspect to say the least. I think it is one step forwards and two steps backwards,” he said. He did not comment on the Deputy PM’s misuse of English.

Bring Back Unpaid MPs

Douglas Alexander and David Miliband in the Grauniad waffle on piously like shop stewards about work hours for MPs. But what caught my eye was a line that the traditional hours were designed for a time when “unpaid MPs looked into the chamber after a day spent at the Inns of Court or the City.”

Well nowadays City partners work ungodly hours. Mrs Fawkes is a City lawyer slaving away for an American investment bank and her hours are horrendous. 80 hours a week are common, 120 not impossible, yet the House sits for less than 40 hours a week, and MPs (apart from Dennis Skinner) never attend for all sitting hours. Hardly hard work in comparison.

Guido thinks MPs should be unpaid and part-time once again. That way they would do less damage. There would still be plenty of blowhards desperate to become MPs in any case. Did Britain need professional, full time politicans to run an empire or defeat the Nazis? No. Today we don’t need them to approve EU directives either…

Blair’s Aznar Solution

Guido has heard a rumour that Blair has asked the Cabinet Secretary and the Cabinet Office to look into the constitutionality of him remaining PM after resigning as Leader of the Labour Party. He would then serve a full third term as he promised, let the Labour party select their leader to fight the next election, but allowing him to stay on in a caretaker capacity, rather than resign as PM straight away. This is the “Aznar” solution, after the former Spanish PM Aznar who resigned as leader of the People’s Party to allow a successor to be chosen to fight the upcoming election.

So It Begins : Clarke Starts Crackdown on Druids

The government today announced it was making raw magic mushrooms an illegal drug in Britain for the first time. The move is in today’s Drugs Bill published by the new Fat Controller, Home Secretary Charles Clarke. Currently it is legal to pick and eat the fungi whilst dancing around semi-naked at Stonhenge or Glastonbury. The courts recognise this, but the Fat Controller doesn’t like it.

So the Druids and other pagans are in real trouble. Historically the people of the British Isles have been eating magic mushroooms for thousands of years, they are said to have mystical properties and are used in ancient rituals to give an insight into the divine. Surely this ban contravenes some human right to religious freedom? How can eating something that grows wild and free on these shores be criminalised? Who can commit crimes whilst on magic mushrooms? Guido just laughs a lot.

First they came for the hippies…

Propeller Head Wonk Watch

Ross Clark in The Times draws our attention to a new pamphlet from Demos about some imagined Pro-Am Revolution. Haven’t you noticed it? No me neither. But apparently all the enthusiasts in the community tidying up their village greens and organising Jam pots for the WI need a New Deal for Communities. Uh, oh. “Government should … invest … community … professional … infrastructure … responsibility … policy intervention … Lead users should play a larger role in foresight exercises to chart the future course of innovation … Pro-Am communities are the new R & D labs of the digital economy”. Recess Monkey calls such buzzword bollocks Bullshit Bingomanagement consultant speak applied to political policy making. (New Labour junior ministers drone it out all the time.)

Demos’ wonks conclude with this utter drivel “the new driving force, creating new streams of knowledge, new kinds of organisations, new sources of authority, will be the Pro-Ams.”



What it will really mean is taxpayers funding more Grauniad adverts for Pro-Am Initiative Co-ordinators, Pro-Am Benchmarking Analysts etc. In the real world most people dread the phrase “We’re from the government, we’re here to help”. When will the wonks understand – LEAVE PEOPLE ALONE!

Pompous Statement on behalf of the Follets

The Torygraph’s Spy column has obviously stung the Follets with this; “Champagne socialist MP Barbara Follett has been under fire for claiming £20,000 in expenses to pay a mortgage on her London pied-à-terre, even though her £2 million constituency house in Stevenage is an easy half-hour commute to the Commons.”

Because on her hubbies’ website is this;

Statement on Barbara Follett MP’s parliamentary expenses

Barbara Follett makes no financial gain from being a Member of Parliament – in fact her work is heavily subsidised by her husband, Ken Follett.

The expenses she claims from the House of Commons Fees Office amount to less than half the actual cost of doing her job. She puts her entire salary back into her office, taking nothing for herself. But, as this does not cover all the costs, Ken subsidises her.

In the financial year 2003-2004, it cost Barbara £275,695 to do her work as the MP for Stevenage. Two thirds of this amount went on paying her staff in her Stevenage and Westminster offices.

But she claimed only £118,214 in expenses. She contributed her entire salary of £55,118 to meet some of the difference. The remaining £102, 673 was met by Ken.

Ken Follett said: “I’m not complaining – I’m very happy to help Barbara serve the people of Stevenage in this way. We have released these figures only because some newspaper stories have given the impression that our lifestyle is being subsidised by the taxpayer. In fact, it’s the other way around.”

Barbara and Ken Follett

Doesn’t your heart bleed for the Follet’s scrimping by on their multi-million annual income…

Blair Heart Flutters

Story on CBS that Blair to undergo operation for “Heart Flutters”

UPDATE: He is to undergo a catheter ablation. Nothing to worry about. See here. If it was me I’d be shitting myself – involves numbing the groin, wire catheters in your groin. It can be heated -STOP I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW ANY MORE.
UPDATE: 1/300 chance of death.

UPDATE: Tells Marr “Will not serve fourth term” – Doh!
UPDATE: “Brown in danger of laughinging to death” denied.

Milburn Sends an Uncoded Message – Why?

In a code that Guido has managed to decipher, Alan Milburn said it would be ‘an enormous privilege’ to lead the party. That suggestion pisses off supporters of the Chancellor, who regard their man as having bagsied the top job whenever it becomes available. ‘It would be an enormous privilege to be Labour leader, but there isn’t a vacancy’, Mr Milburn said at a fringe event last night, adding: ‘Who knows what the future is going to bring?’

Tough code eh? Are the Blairites deliberately using Milburn to wind up Brown, to focus his ire away from Blair?

Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time there was a King, his daughter the Princess was very unhappy. The King was very busy waging war on his enemies. The Princess ate a poison apple. The King was very worried and full of despair. But the Princess awoke. The King told all his Knights to keep it secret. The Knights only hinted at it. Then a Lord bragged about it. The King was very angry.

Hain Lets Out the Secret – Ssshhhhh

Apparently Downing Street wants Kerry to win. According to Peter Hain, a man known to shoot his mouth off from his left hip, Blair is rootin’ for Kerry. Or maybe Hain is rootin’ for Kerry. Dangerous ground methinks, Look how Howard has felt a not too gentle chill wind blowing from Washington. Particularly as Kerry looks increasingly likely to do a Dukkakis impression.

Anyway I doubt its true the religious-neo-conservative-power-crazed-loony dislikes his opposite number in the Whitehouse. Whilst we’re on the subject has anyone seen the famous Blair cowboy boots? Better still do you have pictures?

About Guido’s Blog

Editorial

Paul Staines & Harry Cole – Editor and News Editor

Alex Wickham – Reporter

Simon Carr – Sketchwriter

Whisper tip-offs: 07092 840 531
Fax us secret documents: 07092 012 997

Cartoons by Rich Johnston.

Origins  

Guido’s blog was started in September 2004. The choice of the Guido avatar and character was deliberate, the thinking being that Guy Fawkes had great name recognition, a memorable “brand” and a great reputation as the only man to enter parliament with honest intentions.

Intentions
The primary motivation for the creation of the blog was purely to make mischief at the expense of politicians and for the author’s own self-gratification. At the time most political blogs, from the author’s viewpoint, were earnest and serious. His intention was to create a more fun, gossipy and acerbic “anti-politics” form of commentary. Never having suffered from a lack of intellectual confidence, the adoption of tabloid news values was not embarrassing or accidental, it was a deliberate and necessary step towards becoming popular. The British blogosphere was at that  time full of wannabee Telegraph and Guardian leader writers and a lot of “Fisking” – the tedious line-by-line critique of long boring articles in the form of an even longer, even more boring article.

Inspirations
Guido set out to be sensationalist, Matt Drudge was an inspiration, Kelvin Mackenzie’s Sun of the 80s was another. The camp, politically incorrect tone of the media/music/culture/whatever website, Popbitch, is deliberately echoed. When media pundit Roy Greenslade described Guido’s blog as “the bastard love-child of Popbitch and Kelvin Mackenzie”, Guido was proud of his parentage. Madame Popbitch herself contacted Guido to say she was proud of her offspring.

Perception
Guido sees himself as a journalist, a campaigning journalist who publishes via a website. He campaigns against political sleaze and hypocrisy. He doesn’t believe in impartiality nor pretend to it.

Reception
Guido has frequently broken stories that have gone on to dominate newspaper pages. He often gets stories out before broadcasters. The blog is read widely in the Westminster political village and in newsrooms.

The blog was once the Guardian’s political commentary blog of the year and has won numerous new media awards Guido had never heard of before nor in all likelihood will ever again. Guido regularly appears in those wanky annual lists of media movers and shakers. He claims to pay no attention to them, but secretly always likes it when he is ranked higher than Nick Robinson.

The Guidoisation of Politics

Content is the key to blogging success, original content. Every day this blog aims to amuse, amaze, anger, entertain and inform. If any time you read the blog it makes you laugh or angry, or hopefully tells you something you didn’t know before, it has succeeded. Sure,  Guido sometimes campaigns on serious political issues we think are important, but we never forget we’re in the infotainment business. We know it and we love it.


Frequently Asked Questions:

Why is it written in the third person? “Guido was.. Guido understands… Guido this, that and the other?”

It is because it is written “in character”. Many newspaper diarists use the same device. Guido is not an individual. 

Do you delete comments you disagree with?

Sometimes the feeling of absolute power is just too good to resist, particularly if they have spent ages writing an essay of a comment. Mainly comments from bores and obsessives get deleted. Off-topic comments get deleted as well. The comments policy is arbitrary and inconsistent. Bear in mind hundreds of thousands of comments get made every year. There is a vague ad hominem offensiveness level that merits deletion as well, by and large that level is different for public figures than private figures. Thousands of comments attacking Guido are still on the blog. Witty ones in particular don’t get deleted. Some people are just outright banned and their comments disappear as soon as seen. The policy is inconsistent because Guido doesn’t like to pre-moderate comments. Obviously comments that risk libel writs also get deleted. Guido has more than enough writ threats of his own to deal with. Any kind of reference to Guido’s family or alter egos are deleted without hesitation. Mrs Fawkes insisted on that after a particularly bad stalker incident.

This blog is private property, not a public commons, readers are guests. Guido is a believer in freedom of speech and suggests you exercise it by starting your own blog.

Rankings and Traffic – are you really the most popular blog in Britain?

This blog is consistently the most popular independent blog in Britain. Certainly in 2006 – 07 it beat everyone else. Iain Dale used to jostle for first place and the tech blogs Gizmodo and Tech Digest are highly competitive in traffic terms – based on absolute unique visitors. Hitwise in May 2007 ranked Guido the #1 independent site outside a mainstream media organisation. All these numbers are very contentious and the source of much blogger angst, envy and flame wars.

In 2008 The Economist listed Guido as Britain’s most popular blog, as does the industry monitor Hitwise. The Guardian says Guido is the 79th most powerful media figure and the 7th most powerful digital media industry player. Editorial Intelligence‘s panel of the great and the good says Guido is Britain’s most influential blogger. Mrs Fawkes just snorts and tells him to change the baby’s nappy…

In 2009 the Guardian said Guido was the 77th most powerful media mogul, in the digital media top 10 Guido dropped to 9th place and several billion dollars behind the Google founders. In November the Guardian did a profile which said cabinet ministers feared the blog (The blogger who knows the power of gossip). By 2011 the Guardian had promoted Guido to being the 47th most powerful media mogul and done another profile. On another list the Telegraph said Guido was the 34th most influential right-winger.  Readers of Total Politics said Guido was Britain’s #1 blogger.  This must mean it is time to get a white cat…

In 2010 GQ said Guido was the 33rd most influential man in Britain and the readers of Total Politics magazine have now voted the blog #1 for three straight years running. Traffic on the site is by all metrics now greater than any other politics website in Britain. During the 2010 general election the site produced weekly Guy News videos which garnered hundreds of thousands of views. The blog became a four person operation during the 2010 election campaign and remains a three-man operation to this day.



Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Former public schoolboy Chuka Umunna told the  ‘Exit From Brexit Dinner’…

“Remainians, Remoaners, I don’t care what the label is, I’m proud. It’s fashionable to label everyone in this room as the liberal metropolitan elite . . . This caricature is promoted by a bunch of former public schoolboys!” 

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