Labour-run Enfield Council have announced shocking new plans to beef up the biodiversity of the local area: they’re unleashing a herd of cows on the public Forty Hall Estate and Trent Park, with Tories claiming the area will be “overtaken” by the “beasts” within a matter of weeks. To reassure frightened residents, the council plan to fit the bovine brutes with shock collars, which will activate when the cows leave their “virtual boundary“. How will the cows know they’ve wandered out of bounds? Their shock collars will start playing scary sounds to warn them. Moooove to the moo-sic.

The council won £30,000 to operate this scheme from the Greater London Authority’s ‘Rewild London Fund’. If the trial is successful, the udder-ly ridiculous idea could spread to other areas within the borough. For those who’d rather not face down angry cows wearing electric necklaces, the council have added a QR code to nearby signage which, when scanned, will allow locals to track the location of the herd in real time. A bit like monitoring traffic patterns on Google Maps… only with cows. 

This happens to be the same council which, in 2020, banned meat to fight climate change. Surely it’s about time they were put out to pasture…