Tory party invigilators are enlisting psychometric tests and background checks to wean out the weirdos in the cohort of candidates for the next general election. They hope to source Tory MPs that will not be tempted to view porn in the chamber, break lobbying rules or commit sexual assault and are therefore giving themselves as much time as possible. 

In a watertight approach, prospective MPs will now be asked to agree or disagree with statements such as “I really enjoy being the centre of attention” and “I’m always the first one to suggest a party.” Presumably followed by “I know how to clear my browser history” and “I always keep my hands to myself”. 

Tory hopefuls will also be invited to draft a press release all by themselves, deliver a five minute speech on their mastermind topic, and answer the old faithful “is there anything in your past that might embarrass us?” Burnt fingers have been pointed to those sat at the back of the unruly class of 2019 by a Tory candidate speaking to POLITICO:

“CCHQ are being more careful with who they select after getting their fingers burned in 2019… They are clamping down on people who are known lunatics.”

Where the CCHQ sorting hat funnels successful candidates into three tiers of constituency eligibility – “comprehensive” (select your seat), “key” (ushered to safe seats), and “development” (no hopers, chancers and fodder) – the landslide 2019 victory led to the surprise successful election of many development candidates to previously un-winnable seats. Along with a host of historical sleaze and scandal to uncover… 

A Tory source pointed out to Guido that they are no longer a hostage to fortune with this election cycle; there’s plenty of time in comparison to the snap election of 2019. The proof will be in the pudding…