Boris triumphantly swooped into clubland last night to rally nigh on 100 supporters and followers at the Carlton Club. The official reason for the gathering was to unveil his post-PM portrait, a rather enjoyable oil painting with accurately scruffy clothes, albeit flatteringly tidy hair. Presumably Boris isn’t going to emulate his hero Churchill and get Carrie to secretly burn the portrait…

After a £120-a-ticket dinner, Boris did emulate Churchill with a rallying cry of “never give in, keep fighting”. He did so at the end of a speech that notionally paid loyalty to his successor-but-one’s government, predicting a Tory party recovery as inflation comes down, China gets through Covid and Putin loses in Ukraine.

He added that the public will begin to reappraise Keir Starmer – once again deploying his favourite insult of “Sir crasheroonie snoozefest” – when they realise only the Tory Party “yearns to reduce the burden of tax”, believes in extending home ownership, is the only party with the guts to stand up to union barons and the only party that will send illegal immigrants to Rwanda.

‘So never give in, keep fighting, keep backing the government – keep making the case for levelling up, for opportunities and for a dynamic low tax global Britain.

‘That is how we will win again… thanks you all very much and Happy New Year’

The Tory juggernaut received a standing ovation before departing and quipping to a waiting TalkTV hack “I was framed”. And he would have gotten away with it to were it not for those same pesky journalists…

Picture of Boris in front of portrait:  @olivermiocic