The Met is finally one step ahead of the eco-loons. In the early hours of the morning, police officers fished a suspicious-looking crusty out of the Thames as he paddled around next to the Commons terrace, apparently while wearing a Go-Pro camera and dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. According to Mail Online, the suspect insisted he was practising for “a charity swim”, and after ruling out any terrorist-related antics under questioning, police now believe he was on a scouting mission for Extinction Rebellion or Insulate Britain ahead of the Queen’s funeral on Monday. Scotland Yard said:

“At around 03.25hrs on Monday September 12, police became aware of a man in the River Thames who appeared to be using a flotation device. He came out of the water at Victoria Tower Gardens. Officers spoke to him. He was given words of advice about his proximity to a restricted area.”

Rather than whacking on the handcuffs – as they seem to do for anyone holding up blank protest signs – the coppers gave him a slap on the wrist and told him to go home. That’s surely the last anyone will hear of him then…