As if Boris being cleared of any further fines wasn’t bad enough for Labour, Sir Keir is now facing some hard-hitting and probing questions about his own criminal party investigation… from the Durham University Curry Society. A letter sent to the Labour leader from the group of students includes vital questions we’d all like to know, including:

1. “Which takeaway institution you graced with your custom? Was it Shaheens? Spice lounge? Jays Indian? We feel we must know what fuel the Labour machine runs on and wonder if we can trouble you for a review.”
2. “Which curry did you and your fellow party members enjoy? Are you a balti man? Or are you drawn to the subtle charm of a bhuna? Do you need the spice of a vindaloo to give you the stamina for PMQs?”
3. “We are concerned with your drink of choice. We rubbed our eyes in disbelief when we saw the San Miguel logo on your person. We assumed that it was common knowledge that the only acceptable beverage to enjoy a curry with is Cobra.”
4. “It is reported that the bill came to around £200 with The Sun suggesting that 30 people attended the gathering. We would like to know just how you managed to get such a good deal? We have been struggling to keep costs down since the creation of the club. If that is to be the price of a curry night under a Labour government then we know which way we will be voting.”

On question two the students add that while they are interested in Sir Keir’s curry of choice, “we feel we must state that if you, or any of your number, indulged in a korma then we expect a swift and public resignation.”

Starmer will be delighted to see the group of curry-loving academics have placed on the table an open invitation to Durham for a “legal night out with the executive committee”. Guido will be pressing LOTO hard on the society’s behalf for answers to these crucial questions…