Guido decided against heading up to Blackpool for Tory Spring Conference this year, because Spring conferences are usually pointless. With day one now in the history books, co-conspirators can decide if this will be the year everything changes…

The event kicked off with Rishi Sunak once again insisting he’s a low tax Conservative, only to confirm he definitely won’t cut taxes in the Spring statement. He then exclusively revealed how his new dog, Nova, likes to play with Dilyn in the Downing Street garden. Making sure everyone knew his own dog is now three times bigger than the PM’s…

Jacob Rees-Mogg then took to the stage to announce he’s been whistling “I do like to be beside the seaside”, and that he hopes the brass band will play “Tiddly-Om-Pom-Pom”. He did at least promise a ‘bonfire’ of Brexit regulations in the near future, along with an expectation that the Tories will get back to cutting taxes… soon.

Oliver Dowden looks like he’s having the most fun out of everyone. In just the first day, he’s driven a tram along the seafront, apparently speed capped at 3mph, and ridden the ‘Icon’ roller coaster at the Pleasure Beach – Dowden called it the “Pleasure Garden”, although he was busy operating a tram at the time so Guido will forgive him… 

Oliver Dowden seemed to enjoy the rollercoaster. He’s on the left. pic.twitter.com/g1CLnbJyXQ

— Mikey Smith (@mikeysmith) March 18, 2022

Boris doesn’t make his address until tomorrow, although while delegates await his arrival they can borrow his delicious cheese on toast recipe, as revealed this morning:

Plenty of cheese and chutney, and remember to “eat quickly before you are caught“. Guido can barely contain his excitement for day two…