Nicola Sturgeon has a genius new plan to improve ventilation in schools and crack down on Covid: hack the bottom off classroom doors. To the tune of £300,000, the Scottish government plans to “improve the natural flow of air” by taking an axe to over 2,000 “problematic” class doors over the next few months, all in the name of the SNP’s “common sense” long-term plan to protect pupils from Covid. A move which Sturgeon dubbed the “basic rectification of the structure of classrooms”…

Surprisingly, the idea didn’t go down well in Holyrood. Met with derisive laughter from Douglas Ross and opposition MSPs during First Minister’s Questions yesterday, Sturgeon doubled down on her plan to fetch her axe and hardhat by claiming:

“It’s about taking measures to ensure the natural flow of air in a room is maximised. So if you have doors or windows that are not enabling that natural flow of air in the way you would want it to, then it strikes me as basic common sense that you would take measures to rectify that.”

Guido’s got a better idea: save the £300,000, crack the doors open…