Mayor Sadiq Khan is offering Londoners up to £25,000 to ‘decolonise’ street names as part of a new diversity campaign. He’s ring-fenced a staggering £1 million fund to be shared amongst community groups, particularly those campaigning to change ‘offensive’ road names. Here’s a helpful list to get started : 

• Rename the city. Whilst the exact etymology of London is uncertain, it’s a well-established fact that the Roman name for the city was ‘Londinium‘. The Romans violently conquered and colonised the city and forced Britons into slavery. Slavers are particular unwoke and Londoners should not accept their slave-name. It has to go…
• 7 city boroughs, including Barnet, derive their names from Anglo-Saxon words. As is well-documented, the Saxons and Vikings displaced the indigenous people centuries ago, raping and pillaging as they went. Their role in British history should be erased in the name of feminism.
• Westminster was actually founded by William Conqueror who – clue’s in the name – violently conquered England and oppressed the people. Westminster must be renamed…

In fact, London’s history is so complicated, rooted in so much racism, that it might be easier if Khan just demolished everything and started again from scratch. Following these helpful suggestions, Guido looks forward to receiving his £25,000…