The integrity of the union has been strengthened today, as Kent has finally rejoined the UK after a four month secession. Back in December, the government announced that hauliers would require access permits to pass through Kent and cross the Channel, allegedly to prevent the county’s roads becoming congested once EU custom controls were reimposed after the Brexit transition. The Kentish independence project quickly gained momentum, with the county’s new presidential candidate Nigel Farage claiming “we, the warrior county, can thrive by taking back control. Michael Gove will replace St Thomas Becket as our saint. And presidential glory awaits the lucky winner”.

Yet following a dark winter in exile, the Garden of England has now returned, with the Kent Access Permit scheme scrapped as of this morning and lorries now able to leave the county without the added paperwork and threat of a £300 fine. As expected, any trade disruption was short-lived, and the scheme is now surplus to requirement. Guido has reached out to the Farage campaign for comment…