Official new SNP diversity guidance clarifies that “a tendency to set fires, a tendency to steal”, along with voyeurism are not to be classed as mental impairments, and therefore these groups are not entitled to “reserved places” on its Scottish Parliament Regional candidates lists. A damning blow to the already under-represented arsonist community...

The party’s hilarious new “equalities mechanism” – brought to light by WingsOverScotland – is a particular blow to Scotland’s oldest native population, those with an “Addiction to alcohol, nicotine or any other substance”, who are also set to miss out on the party’s diversity spots reserved for women, BAME, disabled and LGBT candidates.

Tattooed and pierced individuals don’t count as having “severe disfigurements” either, threatening their candidacy ambitions. Luckily, Sturgeon may fall under the category of having an impairment which has “a substantial adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities”, given all the bullets she’s shot into her own foot over the last fortnight…
Read their equality guidance in full below: