So successful has his back-to-school drive been, Boris Johnson has even managed to persuade global skiver-in-chief Greta Thunberg to end her year-long global climate campaign and get back to the classroom. After:

• leading protests in most major cities
• Being given the keys to the city of Montreal
• Travelling around the continent in a Tesla
• Sailing the sea attending the COP25 climate conference
• And rebuking world leaders with her infamous “how dare you” speech

Greta is now ready to settle down and start learning about what she’s been preaching. If she sticks at this school thing for another few years she might eventually become worth listening to…