Welcome Back Ed, Here Were Your Wilderness Years Best Bits

Ed Miliband returned to the dispatch box for the first time in half a decade yesterday in his new role as Shadow Business Secretary. Guido took a trip down memory lane to see what the former Labour election loser has been up to over his five years in the wilderness. Red sky thinking Ed has come up with some wacky ideas…

  • Supported banning cars on certain days. Saying “I don’t see why we shouldn’t have some car-free days” on Episode 3 his Reasons to be Cheerful podcast. A bonkers policy that would cause huge disruption to commuters and businesses…
  • Backed ‘sex licences’. Proposed Government-issued certificates which would show others whether or not individuals could perform intimate acts with sufficient precaution and prowess. Asked by the co-host of his podcast if he thought the idea was a goer he said: “Yeah, I’d buy it”. You really need to hear this one…
  • Called a land value tax ‘convincing’ and ‘compelling’. On episode 8 of his Reasons to be cheerful podcast, the new Shadow Business Secretary said: “It is definitely worth thinking about how you put the very convincing principles that we heard from our guests into practice. I think both Joe and Catherine were pretty compelling about the reasons for doing this… a small number of people own a huge section of rural land and you know I do think a lot of that land probably isn’t being properly used, just being sat on – don’t we need to put that land to good use?” Because the Garden Tax played so well for Labour last time round…
  • Supports moving Parliament out of Westminster. He said: ‘I don’t see why we shouldn’t go to Birmingham or have some way in which Parliament sits elsewhere in the country.’ on the second of his Reasons to be Cheerful podcast…
  • U-turned on his ‘no second jobs for MPs stance. Miliband took up a £2,500 BBC Radio job and launched a podcast, despite his previous opposition to double, or triple jobbing. These are my principles and if you don’t like them I have others…
  • Supported a nationalised secret Santa scheme across the UK. He said: “New Zealand has something which I think we should have here, they have a nationwide secret Santa.” Even his lefty podcast guests weren’t keen on this one…
  • Called for a climate emergency to be declared, despite raking up more than 43,000 air miles in 26 months. Readers may remember this one
  • Insulted the UK’s largest trading partner by saying the USA acted like a ‘tin-pot dictatorship’. Speaking in the House of Commons said: “accounts of what happened to individuals over the weekend sounded like the results of the actions of a tin-pot dictatorship. They did not sound like what we would expect or hope for from the United States” If Labour doesn’t want a US-UK FTA they’re going the right way about it…
  • Admitted the government he was a Cabinet Minister in, and previously advised, did not build enough homes. He told the Commons ‘I am proud of some of the things that the previous Labour Government did, but we did not build enough homes’. Will he be as honest back on the front bench?
  • Lied to his constituents about ‘voting for Brexit nine times’. Just bonkers.
  • Revealed that as a child he spent time playing the board game ‘Class Struggle’, a Communist-compliant version of Monopoly. Again on his podcast (Episode 8, for readers interested), Miliband said “What board game did I play as a child? There was a board game called Class Struggle and it was invented by a big Marxist called Bertel Oldman.” Classic.

Welcome back, Ed, Guido has missed you…

mdi-account-multiple-outline Ed Miliband
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