Macron’s candidate for the mayor of Paris has pulled out of the race. Benjamin Griveaux had spent his campaign thus far trying to swell support by repeatedly emphasizing family values and his “fanatic faith”. He constantly talked up his family and family life, saying “it was my children who gave new meaning to my political commitment” and “I love [my wife] very much. I would not do what I do if she had not been there”.

The reasons behind Griveaux’s presumably hard decision to quit comes after a chat with a young girl that got out of hand. Starting off with the candidate declaring “family and children are a prison” and the conversation climaxing with Griveaux sexting her some very x-rated videos of him pleasuring himself. Some who have seen the videos have been impressed, saying they would vote for him based on his firm stance alone. Guido is surprised the affair ended Griveaux’s career – if anything he embodies traditional French values…

The man behind the leak? Russian performance artist Petr Pavlensky – most famous for nailing his scrotum down in Moscow’s Red Square as a protest against Russia’s police state. Now he’s nailed down Griveaux’s ‘family values’ hypocrisy…