David Pemsel is the CEO of The Guardian and a 51 year-old married man. Above are some of his texts to a twentysomething female colleague. He was about to transfer to become the CEO of the Premier League. Unfortunately now these texts have come to light that won’t be happening. According to one Guardian source “it is amazing really, the common consensus in Kings Place is that the only person he fancied in the whole building was himself.” Pemsel’s wife is not impressed about his attempts to play away either…

The Guardian itself has only a very curt report about the matter, saying only his Premier League transfer won’t be going ahead “following media disclosures”. No doubt they tell us the full story in due course…