The Climate Communists, Extinction Rebellion, have launched their most audacious tantrum yet: beginning a 25-day hunger strike outside the Labour Party’s Southside Headquarters.

In a plan so cunning Guido suspects the hand of Baldrick in it, the activists are demanding that Labour commits to the objectively impossible agenda of completely decarbonising the UK in just five years and one month, or else they will quietly starve themselves. Guido isn’t sure that XR threatening to shut up and go away is the wisest strategy for the group…

The protest comes as Labour mysteriously deleted an Instagram post promising to go carbon neutral by 2030, five years later than Extinction Rebellion and Greta demand, but 20 years earlier than the IPCC recommendation, and a move that would require extreme moves such as outlawing non-electric cars, cancelling most flights, and scrapping all gas boilers.

A small group of protesters are also outside Tory HQ. The Tories have committed to accept the IPCC recommendation of decarbonising by 2050 – a move that will still cost more than one trillion pounds. If their Hunger Strike really does go on until the election, the only thing that will become extinct is their campaign…