PMQs: Special Delivery

“Ding dong!” That was odd, thought Theresa. Who could it be at this time? She didn’t remember ordering anything. Bemused, she pottered over to the door and cautiously opened it up. A wispy old man dressed strangely like a delivery boy was shuffling from foot to foot on the doorstep. “What is it?” she asked. “Err, I’ve got a pizza for Theresa,” he mumbled, nervously reading from a piece of paper. “To share with Esther and Penny?” How very strange, Theresa puzzled. She had invited Esther and Penny over to play checkers, but both of them had turned her down, muttering something about “being dead”. They had been doing rather a lot of socialising this week, she supposed…

Oh well, she thought, might as well accept the delivery. After all, the pizza was here already, and Dom and Liz were looking hungrily at what was going on. Back to the game. “Ding dong!” Theresa had hardly even sat down before the door went again. The same funny old man was back, but this time wearing a crumpled old suit. “Err madam, it’s about your divorce,” he began. “You see, there’s this rather large bill…” Theresa interrupted him indignantly. “Now look here, I know my accountant Phil said we’re going to pay it even if we don’t get anything in return, but you’d still better not be taking anything for granted because, because…” Because?

Theresa trailed off, but suddenly she was let off the hook as the mystery man disappeared, only to reappear as some sort of salesman, toting a clipboard and dodgy tie. “Excuse me but I couldn’t help but notice that your garden border is looking a bit shabby. Could I possibly interest you in a new one? It’s made of the finest materials, all from Ireland, and it will last for ever. And the best thing about it is that you can’t even see it! You just have to agree to let my friends decide everything you buy – and you’re not allowed any other friends over without their permission.” Theresa was flummoxed. “I’m afraid it says right here that you already signed up to this,” he explained, “but at least you’re getting it for the special price of £39 billion.” Bargain!

The party guests were getting a bit restless – Steve and Northern Irish Nigel came over to see what all the disturbance was about. But before Theresa was forced to explain herself, the man had disappeared again, only to come back with yet another costume on. “I’m afraid I’m having trouble getting your new cars delivered, madam. You see…” Theresa had finally had enough and shut the door. The beardy old man was too busy changing into yet another outfit to notice…

As she turned round she had the horrible realisation the trouble had been behind her all along. Steve had turned the board upside down and was refusing to play. Nigel had got hold of her purse and was shaking her money out all over the floor. Dom and Liz were just standing around eating pizza as the mayhem unfolded around them. “Why won’t anyone play checkers with me?!” she exclaimed. Wait, what if she asked the delivery man to play instead? Frantically she rushed back to the door, but the man was gone. How was she ever going to clean up the mess on her own…




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Quote of the Day

No prizes for guessing who Andrea Leadsom is talking about:

“As you said last week, Mr Speaker, we have a responsibility to safeguard the rights of this House and as Leader of the House I seek to do exactly that, treating all members of parliament with courtesy and respect. I hope and expect all Honourable and Right Honourable members to do likewise.”

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