Mission Accomplished: Targeted Strike on Corbyn

We may draw the following conclusions from today’s Prime Minister’s Question time: under a Corbyn government, Napoleon would have won at Waterloo, Roger Bannister would have tripped in the third minute of his four minute mile and Germany would have stuck away three goals in extra time of the 1966 World Cup final. If Jeremy Corbyn ever runs this country, at the very moment he takes office, the fabric of the universe will mysteriously and instantly reverse itself at the molecular level. Time will begin to run backwards. Fate will become only the constant advent of ever more impossible outcomes. To Orwell’s dreadful triad (‘War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength’) Corbyn will add the final term. Victory is defeat…

Imagine the Windrush scandal as a killer robot manufactured in the secret basement of Momentum HQ to destroy the Home Secretary and directly implicate Theresa May in arguably racist deportations. This monolith to the government’s incompetence, insensitivity and – yes – bigotry, loomed on a collision orbit over Downing Street last night, a political Death Star of unique power. Moreover, Windrush isn’t just an attack line: for the opposition it has the additional benefit of being a real-life scandal, rather than the usual confected fare. Wielded by Jeremy Corbyn, this philosopher’s stone of rare power was instantly denuded so as to become as effective as a marzipan machine gun. Was there ever a man in British political history who could be more relied upon to fire a blank than he?

It seemed the game was afoot when glances were exchanged as the Prime Minister rose to her feet and immediately channelled the tone most alien to her – sass:

The decision to destroy the landing cards was taken in 2009 under a Labour government.”

Rain down ye heavens! Cry God for Theresa, England and the UK Border Agency! Once more unto the breach – of good common sense by a Labour government. And that’s not to mention what happened to the landing cards under Labour in Wales…

Your correspondent felt the seat move underneath him as the House erupted. The PM should continue to deploy these short, direct blows – she should use at least one a week. Her natural reticence makes these twist-the-knife-and-twist-it-again moments all the more arresting, and she now seems able to dependably execute them with considerable flourish. As May sat back down on the front bench, she recoiled as if blown back by the rolling compression wave of her own airstrike – and then she checked her folder. Though this was only question two and Corbyn was already out for the count, there was more to come…

Meanwhile, over in the parallel universe but six feet or two sword-lengths away, right down there in the depths of the cavernous throat that lies behind the the jaws of victory – from which Corbyn had just snatched defeat – Jezza responded as he always does: with anger. Every line on his face became a hot valley of fury. Like a child just told the soft play area is out of use, he could respond only by sticking to his lines with increasing fury. He had been nuked and now he had nothing. He had been floored by the first punch and now the fight was for nothing. For the first time ever in her premiership, commentators, spectators and all-comers exchanged the same rare sentiment. We’re looking forward to PMQs next week…




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Quote of the Day

No prizes for guessing who Andrea Leadsom is talking about:

“As you said last week, Mr Speaker, we have a responsibility to safeguard the rights of this House and as Leader of the House I seek to do exactly that, treating all members of parliament with courtesy and respect. I hope and expect all Honourable and Right Honourable members to do likewise.”

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