At the Kremlin Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin settles into his golden throne to watch Prime Minister’s Questions and the accompanying statement. As a jack-booted servant flicks over from Russia Today, Vlad wonders aloud: “Who’s the thin old beardy bloke in the red tie?”

“That’s Jeremy Corbyn”, replies the trembling aide. “Who?” demands Putin, never more than a moment from a nuclear-level rage, or worse, offering to make an adviser’s tea. “You know, Mr President. Codename COB…”

The almond-eyed tyrant purses his lips then raises a smile. An FSB man never forgets a codename.

“Ah, da, da,” he whispers. “Activate Agent COB…”

And activated he was. Jeremy Corbyn, who once sat down in Parliament with hostile Soviet-aligned diplomats – barely hiding under their cover stories – today stood up there and refused to give his full backing to a Prime Minister expelling Russian spies en masse. Jeremy Corbyn, who once branded NATO “the father of the Cold War”, today refused to welcome a NATO statement of condemnation – indeed, refused to make any clear condemnation of the Russian government for the attempted murder of the Skripals. Jeremy Corbyn, who suggested sanctions on Russia were “disproportionate” during the Ukraine conflict, today failed to explicitly endorse tough actions against Putin’s mob. Instead, like a Duma stooge, he took Vlad’s own line. In the overlong pauses of a struggling Jezza all you could hear was Putin’s evil cackle…

The Labour backbenches soon grew wrestless. As COB began his reply to the PM it was quickly clear the Labour leader had not heeded the lessons of Monday’s debacle. Not only was it the moderates, the soft Corbynites again refused to lend their name to Jezza’s Moscow-enabling. A few hours after the statement there were rumours in the House that Labour MPs might even put down a motion formally distancing themselves from Corbyn’s response. The question they must ask themselves is: why didn’t they distance themselves from him years ago? The very same Labour MPs today uncomfortable with Corbyn helped make this man leader. The commendably calm and otherwise pitch perfect May should have made that point…

Looking on from the gallery was Putin’s other man in the room: the rake-like Milne. Preening himself like Putin – both men rather too obsessed with their image – there was no doubt Corbyn’s words flowed from the poisoned pen of this, the connsumate apparatchik. Yet another reason for everyone to stop acting so shocked…

Perhaps the only chink of light came from an unexpected source: none other than Mr Speaker. After one of his most embarrasing weeks in the job (take your pick), even at a time of national crisis – which usually only accentuates his grandstanding – the minature motorgob finally shut the hell up. Generally, about half way through PMQs, this irritating gnome stands up and waves his arms around, viz a drowning toddler, interjecting a few archane or polysyllabic words to remind everyone how just insufferable he is. Today, finally, he put a sock in it. It may be worth going to war with Russia if that’s what’s done it…