May’s Best Gags From Correspondents Dinner

Some actually not bad jokes from Theresa May at the Westminster Correspondents Dinner last night – she’s surprisingly good at this sort of thing and Guido gives you the highlights below. The Hammond crack is a zinger and she even told a sex joke…

“I was able to catch up with David Cameron over the phone and as ever he had some excellent advice. Don’t worry about Boris. Don’t worry about the Chancellor. Worry about ambitious female Home Secretaries. Lovely to see you here tonight, Amber…” Cue awkward OTT laugh from Amber…

“I remember one canvassing trip that sticks in my memory. I was at the open door of a caravan and there was clearly some activity within, so I knocked and there was no answer. But the activity persisted. I could see somebody lying down on the bed so I knocked again. There was no reply so I looked round the door and there was indeed somebody lying down. It was not one person but two, and it was not the best time to ask them if they’re going to vote Conservative. I have to say they were giving a whole new meaning to the phrase deep and special.”

“Matt Hancock has transcended into a higher state of existence. He’s thrown off the surly bonds of flesh and blood. Matt Hancock actually is now an app. He communicates with me by way of alarming phone notifications. Matt Hancock would like to track your location. Matt Hancock would like to access your photos. But perhaps most worryingly of all, there is a fault with Matt Hancock. Other ministers are following his lead. The Boris Johnson app is great for extending your vocabulary, but it does contain some adult content. The Philip Hammond app is like a drier, less frivolous version of LinkedIn. I’m told one minister is even developing a labour-saving app which converts every Cabinet discussion directly into a James Forsyth column, thus cutting out the hassle of briefing him each week. Tonight I can reveal I’m even working on my own app. It does provide GPS directions to your nearest wheat field, real time tracking of Priti Patel’s air travel, and an instant allocation of all household chores into boy jobs and girl jobs.” 

On Lobby hacks’ early careers… “In 1997 we read how one Tom Newton Dunn reported on how plastic surgery to create the body beautiful is no longer just a female prerogative. I have to say Tom if I were you I’d ask for your money back.”

Boom boom…




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Boris on Osborne and Project Fear:

Unemployment has fallen by 250,000 to a new low of 4.2 per cent while record numbers of jobs have been created – including no fewer than 8 for the former chancellor and chief architect of project fear who has become a glorious living rebuttal of his own preposterous warnings.”

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