Reality dawns: another year of this sh*t. Every sitting week, for at least an hour, for another year, the torture of PMQs continues. Our Christmas wishes were not granted: no sudden resignations, no personality transplants, no new stopwatch for the Speaker – just the very same, for another year, the perpetual merry-go-round of this utter, horrendous nightmare continues to turn. Could there be a duller prospect than 365 more days? Of these two? End it all now – end it now before it has even begun. 

Despite spending two weeks in Mexico, Jez didn’t even look sun-kissed – but he used his first outing of the year to prove he is still red inside. The Labour leader paid homage to the Sacred God of Health Our NHS (“envy of the world”, Britain’s pride, Britain’s joy). For once leading on something actually in the news, he put the ‘Winter Crisis’ (referred to by May as “winter pressures”) at the top of his list of ‘questions’ – to show the fans he cares – even though he was literally on the other side of the planet while the ‘crisis’ developed. He didn’t mention his holiday. Funny that… 

On a health theme, May’s first-day-back highlight came as she chose to attack a genuine patient: she had a pop at Angela Rayner for her now notorious “sh*t or bust” economic strategy gaffe. Well, she tried to have a pop. Turns out Rayner was absent from the front bench due to illness. Cue howls from Labour, and an instant, grovelling apology from the Prime Minister, who is so keen to apologise for anything nowadays one very well expects she might wheel out the Downing Street podium for a full-on prime-time-sorry-session. Could happen…

We do not often dwell on the tartan clan, but this year they will become more of a feature in these sketches. The SNP’s resident wit Pete Wishart attempted to propel himself into the headlines today with a wee PMQs stunt. The joking jock asked May to rate the Brexit negotiations on a scale of one to ten; he promptly whipped out what he has been concealing for so long under his kilt: a ‘nul points’ sign. It’s exactly the sort of ploy that sounds like a great idea after rather more than nul pints in the re-opened Sports and Social – which is exactly where the Nats will have come up with it.

Wishart’s tomfoolery brings us to the veritable star of the show. Up popped little Bercow, like a magical New Year elf, who every week continues to sabotage the nation’s key democratic ceremony. Bercow is still turning PMQs into a five year old’s birthday party, where he, little John Bercow, must be star of the show.

Welcome back. And Happy New Year.