First of all, can I take this opportunity to thank you for all the hard work you will do this year. Not just you, but Mrs Claus and every one of the reindeer as well. I pay tribute to you and all those who work in our National Elf Service, who, just like our heroic postal and emergency workers, brave snow and hail to provide the services each and everyone of us rely on. We thank all of them.
Our elves haven’t had a pay rise for ten years and many of them do not know how many hours of work they will get until Christmas Eve. We back a pay rise for our NES.
Can I also thank the Grinch, Mr Scrooge, and all those who have ever stolen or threatened Christmas. Let me say this: we support both those who embrace Christmas and those who oppose Christmas. All those involved in this great season, on whatever side, will be investigated and dealt with according to our procedures as appropriate.
My full letter to Santa was contained in the Labour manifesto earlier this year. Remember that?
It was a wishlist of impossible presents, the most extravagant and unaffordable list even you, Santa, have ever seen. If I get anywhere near Downing Street, you would be my only hope of being able to actually deliver what I promised Britain. I hope you’re ready…
This list is more personal. First, I need you to give me some more questions. You see, about halfway through the year, I completely ran out of things to ask the Prime Minister. Despite having 30 years on the backbenches and having sat through literally thousands of hours of PMQs, I just keep going blank. I hear clever journalists say it’s because I’m more focused on making clips for Twitter than scrutinising the government. It isn’t. Honestly, I’m a useless old duffer and I just keep forgetting what to ask…
So please, Santa, send me some questions again – they can be about anything. Though if we could move away from all the schools funding formula stuff you sent me last year that would be ideal.
Another gift I really need is some quotes. Some embarrassing quotes from the Prime Minister to throw back in her face would be very useful. I’ve barely managed to do one big PMQs reveal this year, so any kompromat – as Seumas and I love to say – would be gratefully received. Today Theresa dug up an old quote where I said Labour left the NHS “in a mess”. I am disappointed you visited her before me…
Having said that, I understand you are overstretched. Could get the above to me by Wednesday, January 10th at the latest?
May I wish you a happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, and all other festivals that both do and do not occur around this time of year.
Jezza from Islington
PS – Oh, typical me! I forgot to ask for the main one. There’s still five days left…