New Arctic Monkeys album is sh*t and Palestine’s bloody dead to be honest, mate, so ended up watching this thing called PMQs. Chief whip texts to say I can’t actually go into the chamber because I’ve been in the news a lot. Not in NME, so haven’t seen it…

Massive shame because I’ve never actually watched PMQs before, ever, in my entire life, so not sure what to expect. If I’m honest I have no idea what ‘PMQs’ even stands for. Anyway, like everything in life, would’ve been great to see it in the flesh. If you’re not physically there in the crowd it’s just like listening to a recording of a gig: totally sh*t. Gotta be live, Sheffield style…

TV on, Marmite sarnies on hand, four tinnies, ready for it to bloody kick off, quick dexterous fingers ready to go! Used to do a bit of writing so shouldn’t be too hard to knock out a little riff on this. Piece of fudge cake!

Here dey go, Jeremy wets his lips, stands pertly. He’s a good lad. Southern w*nker, more of a bassist more than a frontman, but I bet he’s scored like the best of us in his time. Must invite him up to the ‘Sheff for a big night. The absolute boy…

Still not sure what to make of Theresa. No Angelina Jolie, that’s for sure. Girls Aloud? No chance. She’s talking about universal credit… whenever I hear ‘universal’ I just keep thinking of the label: nearly got signed by Universal back in 2002. A&R people dragged up some old posts I’d made online and they scrapped the deal. Had to turn to politics…

Anyway, universal credit is another Tory cut, or something like that. It’s like music, or sex, this politics game: keep it pure, keep it simple, then it works. Basically whatever the Tories do is bad, and what we’re doing is good. Pretty sure May will back down on universal credit. Wouldn’t blame her for changing her mind. We’re all on a journey…

A pig-shagging Tory MP mentioned me, completely missing out the fact that I’ve already apologised to the PLP (hadn’t been to PLP until then by the way, turns out it’s a good gig, five star review). This MP slagging off the mighty Jared O’Mara will get a piano legging. You just try to get into any music venue in Yorkshire now, Nicky Morgan. You’re barred, with brass knobs on!

Pffft, long set isn’t it, PMQs? I’m thinking about switching off, if I’m honest. Bercow is a great DJ. Sort of person who can really get the crowd going. Except instead of saying “order” he just keeps screaming “ARGHHHH”. Bit Kasabian, that…

Difficult to hear the TV because my bloody phone keeps ringing. Dinging like a metronome as well what with all the Tinder matches coming in. Can’t say this week has been bad for my profile, or indeed online profiles. No biggie to sit it out until the next election, wing it back up to Sheffield and get the band back together…

Totally bored with this now, lot of backbenchers chatting sh*t. Got my laptop out. Nothing in the diary for this afternoon either. Not sure what to do, down here in London all on my own. Probably just log in to the messageboards. Got a few DMs. Sexy slags…

*as told to Guido Fawkes.