Jeremy Corbyn’s new spin doctor Steve Howell is the author of a sex-laced thriller about a fictional drugs scandal, Guido can reveal. Howell claims his racy page-turner Over The Line “anticipated the doping crisis in sport and exposed the over-lapping epidemic of steroid abuse for appearance-enhancing body-building.” Guido doesn’t remember Lance Armstrong getting up to the following…

“Without thinking, I started stroking her hair with my left hand, and after a few moments, she began kissing my chest with moist open lips, moving slightly higher with each one until she reached my neck and then the dimple in my chin. Our lips met, and we kissed in silence for a very long time, tongues reaching deep into each other’s mouths, hungry and feral. I sensed she could feel how aroused I was. I was embarrassed and surprised by my lust. It had been a long time.” 

“I think we would have made love then and there if I hadn’t been so bruised and battered, but it was hopeless. Each time I tried to hold her more closely, stabs of pain would ricochet through me like electric shocks. Kissing and caressing were one thing, but I needed a body in much better working order to go any further…”  

“I was completely naked, and I sensed Mimi looking closely at me. The cuts and bruises on my torso were less inflamed now, but it had been as comical as it was painful earlier when we tried to manoeuvre our way round them to make love for the first time. Mimi had lived up to her claim to be a good coach — a great one, in fact. I’d felt inhibited and self-conscious by the time we reached the room, over-thinking what was about to happen and wondering if I’d live up to expectations, whatever they were. But she seemed to have no such inhibitions, undressing almost before the door was closed and then helping me along. I had forgotten how exhilarating sex could be — or possibly I had never known. The anaesthetic and soporific effect was so intense it sent me into the heaviest sleep I’d had for days.” 

Surely a contender for a Bad Sex Award…

Members of the Lobby beware: the book contains a chilling passage about an assault on a journalist for asking an awkward question:

“My fuse had burnt out in the press conference, and none of it was left to stop me exploding. I grabbed the Argus journalist by his jacket collar… I pulled him towards me so that my chest — which is fairly chiselled for a forty-something — was pushing up into his chin. I was ready to throw him across the nearest car bonnet, and he was looking strangely smug as if he was enjoying the whole thing. Mimi was quick to intervene… The adrenalin [sic] was still pumping, but my saner senses prevailed. Tempted though I was, I realised Meg’s coach beating a journalist up would not help matters at this point. I released my grip and stepped back as he made a show of straightening his jacket.” 

The book’s flyleaf reveals it published in February 2015 by “Quaero Publishing”. A search of books index WorldCat fails to return any other work ever published by Quaero, and the publisher’s address is linked to Howell’s other businesses. Seems like Howell’s book was self-published, not that he mentions that on his promotional website. Steve could give McDonnell’s late night typewriter a run for its money…