DAB PMQ

Readers of this sketch will remember its recurring and heartfelt concern for the sanity of poor Tom Watson. First chronicling his deepening existential despair here, in subsequent months I went on to speculate it was only a matter of time before he would finally lose it and go the “full Bill Murray and turn up to PMQs stark bollock naked”, all in a desperate attempt to break this cycle of Groundhog Day-style self-immolations by the Labour Leader. Today was that day…

He’d almost made it as well, valiantly surviving most of Jeremy Corbyn’s rambling monologues by nodding his head slowly back and forth in scenes eerily reminiscent of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. That lasted right up until Mr. Corbyn finally took the plunge into complete self-parody and used his last question to spit at Theresa May that she needed to “INVEST IN OUR. ENN. AITCH. ESS!”, dementedly hammering his fist on the despatch box like a toddler to punctuate each syllable of “NHS”. At this point something broke in Mr. Watson, and he decided to do what any normal 50 year old politician would in such a situation and throw his arms maniacally in the air, performing an urban youth dance-craze known as a “dab”. Well, at least he didn’t go full Miley Cyrus and twerk on a dwarf in the chamber. Then again, Bercow may have been game…

In future weeks look out for the Deputy Leader of the Labour Party breaking into impromptu raps or street-dancing routines during PMQs, or heckling the opposition in Cantonese whilst expertly playing the piano (having spent years of repeated days tucked away in Norman Shaw North practising). Then, eventually, he’ll woo whoever the Labour Party equivalent of Andie MacDowell is (De Piero, perhaps?) and wake up in a new day with a new leader. At least that’s how it works in the film.

But who could blame Tom Watson for losing it? Jeremy Corbyn has spent a year and a half rehashing the same demand in a thousand different formats till eventually everyone is so exhausted with it they begin to question the very nature of time itself. “NHS, Beds, Social Care, CRISIS, Cuts, Funding, NURSES!!! Our NHS! MORE FUNDING!”. At a certain point the words lose all meaning and one naturally finds oneself contemplating just which dance move to trot out to break the monotony. This reached its nadir today when Mr. Corbyn couldn’t even be bothered to formulate a new question, instead asking the exact same one from two weeks prior about  just “when will the other 151 social services departments in England get the same as the Surrey deal?”

Bemused, the PM shot back that “if he doesn’t like the answer he gets he can’t just keep asking the same question if I’ve answered it previously”. Well that’s where you’re wrong, Theresa. Jeremy Corbyn is playing from a fundamentally different playbook: it’s little and it’s red. In true Communist fashion he is waging a war of attrition against the PM, relentlessly hammering her on the same subject every week in the hope that eventually she’ll simply give up out of exhaustion, or come a cropper fighting on another European front. Meanwhile his own front-bench fatalities matter little as he replenishes the ranks with an endless supply of brain-dead young ideologues eager to sacrifice themselves on the altar of his discredited 20th century worldview. Don’t do Marxism kids, it’s one hell of a drug.

Watson now driven insane and Corbyn spent, Angus Robertson rose to talk about the Istanbul Convention, (I am not certain but think this is the unspoken dictum that you never reheat a kebab after a night out). As he finished talking Michael Fallon leaned back and looked up to the heavens, giving out a long sigh: you know it’s come to something when you’re so dreary a man with only one tie finds you yawn-inducing. Caroline Flint then got up to talk about the problem of “some 2.5 million children” growing up in an alcoholic household, before mentioning she did too. Then again, they did have to put up with Caroline Flint so it’s understandable. To be fair they’re probably in an AA meeting at the minute speaking movingly about their struggles raising a Labour MP. Enterprise-backing capitalist firebrand Caroline Lucas chipped in with a whinge about business rates devastating the local economy in Brighton. A grave trend indeed, with vegan friendly gay bars and artisan tofu breweries are said to be particularly affected.

Finally Sutton MP Paul Scully got up to celebrate his team’s “spirited performance” in the Cup, going on to “congratulate Arsenal for their absolute generosity in letting Sutton keep a little extra slice of the FA Cup Pie”, hinting at snacking Sutton goalkeeper Wayne Shaw. “A neat reference to pie if I may say so to my honourable friend!” eagerly responded the PM in her best impression yet of a character out of the Big Bang Theory. In fact the only way she could have been more Sheldon-esque would be to have exclaimed: “Ah, yes! Pi! 3.141592 I do believe!”. Banter thoroughly killed there then, but not one to be outdone at this point notorious cuckold and somehow still-Speaker John Bercow chipped in to exclaim that “I think it’s fair to say that in dealing with the matter the Prime Minister has deployed a very straight bat”. The House groaned and Tom Watson started furiously dabbing.




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

No prizes for guessing who Andrea Leadsom is talking about:

“As you said last week, Mr Speaker, we have a responsibility to safeguard the rights of this House and as Leader of the House I seek to do exactly that, treating all members of parliament with courtesy and respect. I hope and expect all Honourable and Right Honourable members to do likewise.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Tories Make Sick Labour MP Vote in Wheelchair Tories Make Sick Labour MP Vote in Wheelchair
Saj: Time to Review Scheduling of Cannabis Saj: Time to Review Scheduling of Cannabis
Sally Bercow: We’re Not Packing Bags Yet Sally Bercow: We’re Not Packing Bags Yet
Guy News Special Report : Remain Campaign Cheating Guy News Special Report : Remain Campaign Cheating
Bercow “Stupid Woman” Complaint Rejected Bercow “Stupid Woman” Complaint Rejected
Gallery Guido’s PMQs Sketch Gallery Guido’s PMQs Sketch
Red Gammon Red Gammon
Named: MPs Who Voted Against Press Freedom Named: MPs Who Voted Against Press Freedom
Bercow Welcomes Vaz Back from Illness Bercow Welcomes Vaz Back from Illness
Former Black Rod: Bercow Unfit For Public Office Former Black Rod: Bercow Unfit For Public Office
Sketch: Busting The Corbyn Clip Crap Sketch: Busting The Corbyn Clip Crap
Bercow Bullying Victim: I Was Paid £85,000 To Stay Silent Bercow Bullying Victim: I Was Paid £85,000 To Stay Silent
Bully Bercow’s “Medicament” Slurs Bully Bercow’s “Medicament” Slurs
Gallery Guido’s PMQs Sketch: Mission Accomplished Gallery Guido’s PMQs Sketch: Mission Accomplished
May: Labour Took Decision on Windrush Landing Cards May: Labour Took Decision on Windrush Landing Cards
Ruth Smeeth Reads Anti-Semitic Abuse from Corbynistas Ruth Smeeth Reads Anti-Semitic Abuse from Corbynistas
What is Happening in the Commons This Afternoon What is Happening in the Commons This Afternoon
Sketch: Jezza’s False Flag PMQs Sketch: Jezza’s False Flag PMQs
Watch: Woodcock vs Williamson Watch: Woodcock vs Williamson