Worst Jokes Of The Day

jokes

Guido gives you the best of the worst jokes of day two of Tory conference:

Philip Hammond:

“Remember Ed Balls? I know you remember him from Saturday night – I’m asking if you remember him from when he was Shadow Chancellor… You know Ed was not their first choice for Strictly? They were going to ask Corbyn – but then they discovered he’s got two left feet!”

“Yes, I saw Ed on Saturday too – and, not to sound too much like Craig Revel Horwood, I think his Charleston is probably better than his economic analysis!”

“Corbyn’s big idea is to spend an extra half-a-trillion pounds. I just hope he remembers to water that magic money tree every night before he goes to bed!”

“With Andy Street, our fantastic Conservative Mayoral candidate for the West Midlands, now in place, a great future is within the region’s grasp, it will certainly never be knowingly undersold!”

“I suspect the limiting factor may only be our ability to think up snappy titles for new regional projects!”

Andrea Leadsom:

“I don’t know about you, but it seemed to me their leadership election dragged on far too long. If only they’d come to me for advice on how to keep it short.”

“I know so well how frustrating it is to search the house just for a single bar of signal when you’re trying to send a text. Or worse still, if you can’t get on to your Pokemon Go account.”

Karen Bradley:

“Well, I’m really proud I did a maths degree – and I enjoyed working as an accountant. But if you think what I wanted to do after a day of looking at spreadsheets was read more spreadsheets then your grip on reality is as weak as Jeremy Corbyn’s.”

Chris Grayling:

“It’s often tough to get a seat – though not, as Jeremy Corbyn would have you believe, on a mid-morning service to Newcastle.”

“When you leave your home whether you are on a train, in a car, on a bike or walking down the street, if things work, it’s great. If they don’t, I get all the emails.”

It’s the way they tell ’em…




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Tory MP Nick Boles says what everyone thinks…

“There is a timidity and lack of ambition about Mrs May’s Government which means it constantly disappoints. Time to raise your game, Prime Minister.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
UKIP NEC Votes No Confidence In Bolton UKIP NEC Votes No Confidence In Bolton
Greenpeace Still Making Fake Wind Claims Greenpeace Still Making Fake Wind Claims
Sunday Show Highlights Sunday Show Highlights
Local Labour Members Want Jared Deselected Local Labour Members Want Jared Deselected
Last Days at BuzzFeed Last Days at BuzzFeed
Bolton: She Came Round But I Didn’t Sleep With Her Bolton: She Came Round But I Didn’t Sleep With Her
Jared Victim: He Shouldn’t Be Back in Westminster Jared Victim: He Shouldn’t Be Back in Westminster
Sick Jared Back to Work Sick Jared Back to Work
Ann Black Purged by Red Terror Ann Black Purged by Red Terror
Parole Board Admit Processes Breached Parole Board Admit Processes Breached
Paul Mason: Aggressive and Intimidating Paul Mason: Aggressive and Intimidating
James O’Brien’s Carillion Fake News Goes Viral James O’Brien’s Carillion Fake News Goes Viral
O’Mara Hasn’t Helped a Single Constituent in Months O’Mara Hasn’t Helped a Single Constituent in Months
Credit Where Credit’s Due Credit Where Credit’s Due
Osborne on Carillion: Then and Now Osborne on Carillion: Then and Now
Paul Mason’s Column Axed Paul Mason’s Column Axed
Lord Pannick Backs Gauke’s Judicial Review Lord Pannick Backs Gauke’s Judicial Review
“Get On Your Knees, B*tch” Clive Lewis Returns to Labour Frontbench in Reshuffle” “Get On Your Knees, B*tch” Clive Lewis Returns to Labour Frontbench in Reshuffle”
Vulnerable Children’s Data Breached at Labour-Run Leicester City Council Vulnerable Children’s Data Breached at Labour-Run Leicester City Council
Dover Traffic at Record Levels Dover Traffic at Record Levels