Worst Jokes Of The Day

jokes

Guido gives you the best of the worst jokes of day two of Tory conference:

Philip Hammond:

“Remember Ed Balls? I know you remember him from Saturday night – I’m asking if you remember him from when he was Shadow Chancellor… You know Ed was not their first choice for Strictly? They were going to ask Corbyn – but then they discovered he’s got two left feet!”

“Yes, I saw Ed on Saturday too – and, not to sound too much like Craig Revel Horwood, I think his Charleston is probably better than his economic analysis!”

“Corbyn’s big idea is to spend an extra half-a-trillion pounds. I just hope he remembers to water that magic money tree every night before he goes to bed!”

“With Andy Street, our fantastic Conservative Mayoral candidate for the West Midlands, now in place, a great future is within the region’s grasp, it will certainly never be knowingly undersold!”

“I suspect the limiting factor may only be our ability to think up snappy titles for new regional projects!”

Andrea Leadsom:

“I don’t know about you, but it seemed to me their leadership election dragged on far too long. If only they’d come to me for advice on how to keep it short.”

“I know so well how frustrating it is to search the house just for a single bar of signal when you’re trying to send a text. Or worse still, if you can’t get on to your Pokemon Go account.”

Karen Bradley:

“Well, I’m really proud I did a maths degree – and I enjoyed working as an accountant. But if you think what I wanted to do after a day of looking at spreadsheets was read more spreadsheets then your grip on reality is as weak as Jeremy Corbyn’s.”

Chris Grayling:

“It’s often tough to get a seat – though not, as Jeremy Corbyn would have you believe, on a mid-morning service to Newcastle.”

“When you leave your home whether you are on a train, in a car, on a bike or walking down the street, if things work, it’s great. If they don’t, I get all the emails.”

It’s the way they tell ’em…




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Corbynista media cheerleader Aaron Bastani says his friend Clive Lewis’s “b*tch” comment was:

“beneath any parliamentarian”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Watch: Corbyn Condemns Clive Lewis Watch: Corbyn Condemns Clive Lewis
Lewis: “I Apologise Unreservedly” Lewis: “I Apologise Unreservedly”
Clive Lewis: “Get On Your Knees B****” Clive Lewis: “Get On Your Knees B****”
Heads Up: Parliament Tells MPs It’s Too Windy To Inspect Falling Masonry Heads Up: Parliament Tells MPs It’s Too Windy To Inspect Falling Masonry
Corbyn Stands By Disgraced Lavery Corbyn Stands By Disgraced Lavery
Mandelson Lies About Single Market Mandelson Lies About Single Market
Merkel: “Absolutely No Doubt” There Will Be A Deal Merkel: “Absolutely No Doubt” There Will Be A Deal
Sweden Drawing Up Brexit Trade Plans Sweden Drawing Up Brexit Trade Plans
Car Windscreen Smashed Inside Parliament Car Windscreen Smashed Inside Parliament
Russia Today Presenter Fibs With First Word on #BBCDP Russia Today Presenter Fibs With First Word on #BBCDP
Shameless Poetry Shameless Poetry
John Healey: Then and Now John Healey: Then and Now
Linesman MP Has Attended 96% of Votes, Better Record Than SNP MPs Linesman MP Has Attended 96% of Votes, Better Record Than SNP MPs
On The Red Carpet Last Night On The Red Carpet Last Night
Red Sky at Night, Jez’s Delight Red Sky at Night, Jez’s Delight
Arms Folded in Unity Arms Folded in Unity
Cliffe Quits Radicals After 12 Hours Cliffe Quits Radicals After 12 Hours
Davis: Brake Leaked His Own Letter Davis: Brake Leaked His Own Letter
Brake Misleads Bercow About Guido Story Brake Misleads Bercow About Guido Story
Labour Charge Electric Campaign Vehicle in Parliament Labour Charge Electric Campaign Vehicle in Parliament