The Guardian editor pitches are out, with some deliciously cringworthy brown-nosing submitted in the“candidate statements” of the new wannabe Rusbridgers.

Janine Gibson, one of the favourites, goes for the Islington vote:

“we’re a meeting place for the communities we create around shared passions whether its county cricket, poetry, theatre or watching strangers date wearing Google Glass”

Hotly-tipped Katharine Viner has some innovative crowd-pleasing ideas:

“Themed roles would help us tell a coherent international story: correspondents for water, fossil fuels, women’s rights, a 1% correspondent.”

Meet Wolfgang Blau, the ‘check your privilege’ candidate:

“In regards to our journalistic portfolio, I would like to propose that we substantially increase the diversity of voices – politically, as well as ethnically… I am not a woman and I have not grown up in the United Kingdom. I can only promise to you that as the Editor-in-Chief – should you vote for me and should the Scott Trust choose to appoint me – I will do everything I possibly can to make sure women succeed in their careers at the Guardian.”

While Emily Bell goes for the tried and tested butter ’em up approach:

“This is a defining moment for the Guardian. You are among the very best journalists in the world. You have produced stories that have challenged the powerful – from News Corp and Scotland Yard to the US intelligence agencies – with courage and brilliance.”

Sluuurp!