Can he be Sy-rious? Disgraced dick pic MP Brooks Newmark has told friends “Brooks of Damascus is back” and that he will return to the ravaged country after 2015. Also in Guido’s column today:

• Dave’s Costly Long-Term Optometric Plan – new glasses from posh Chelsea store

• Government cuts hit Christmas trees… so Avid Javid privatises them at DCMS
• Hackney moonlighter Diane Abbott rakes in £600,000 from the British public since 2007!
• Sir Keir Starmer is Alastair Campbell’s next great hope
• Nigel Farage plans a tell-all book after the election

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