Express Staff Told: Ban This Sick Filth

express

A mass influx of migrant fleas flooding the Daily Express newsroom has swept panic across the paper. Journalists were in chaos last night as hundreds of the blood-scrounging bugs descended past lapse security controls and arrived in their besieged office. Concerned Arts editor Clair Woodward vowed to launch a crackdown on newsroom filth after workers reported “having to wear Deet to the office”:

“Due to the amount of complaints about fleas, I have called in a chap from the City of London environmental health who will hopefully visit us  pronto and some of us might get to stop having to wear Deet to the office… nothing can be done until the culture of leaving food around in the office stops – flea-carrying rodents won’t take bait if there’s half a sandwich left in the bin next to your desk. Like our bitten colleagues, I’d really like to see and end to this once and for all, but I don’t want Mr Environmental Health to come to the office and tell us again that we’re not helping ourselves. Gestapo-like, I have noticed that food leftovers and packaging are still not being put in the swing-top bins, and packets of sugar (mice love it – some stole a friend of mine’s dentures she’d left on the bedside table as they had a bit of Cadbury’s Éclair stuck to them) left on tables, and food in packages mice can eat through in drawers.”

Experts last night warned the flea terror could see house prices rise by as much as 0%…




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Michael Gove on Tom Watson:

“Tom believes Rupert Murdoch picks the England cricket 1st 11 and England rugby 1st 15, as well as deciding who’s on Britain’s Got Talent.”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Sunday Shows Sunday Shows
Caitlin Moran Calls Her Readers “C*nts” Caitlin Moran Calls Her Readers “C*nts”
LibDems Call Like An Egyptian LibDems Call Like An Egyptian
You Won’t Believe Which Political Site is Most Viral… You Won’t Believe Which Political Site is Most Viral…
Russell Brand Has Endorsed Corbyn And The Tories Won’t Be Worried Russell Brand Has Endorsed Corbyn And The Tories Won’t Be Worried
New Dates for Andrew Neil Interviews New Dates for Andrew Neil Interviews
Katie Perrior Joins News UK Katie Perrior Joins News UK
Kelvin on Way Out Kelvin on Way Out
McDonnell Denies Being Marxist McDonnell Denies Being Marxist
Osborne’s First Front Toned Down Osborne’s First Front Toned Down
Isabel Oakeshott: Wikipedia is Hotbed of Fake News Isabel Oakeshott: Wikipedia is Hotbed of Fake News
Radio 4 Gossips Link Peston to Today Radio 4 Gossips Link Peston to Today
Watch: Barry Gardiner Loses It on Sky News Watch: Barry Gardiner Loses It on Sky News
Appeal on Behalf of the Friends of George Miller Appeal on Behalf of the Friends of George Miller
Revealed: New European’s Plan to “Stir Up Controversy” Revealed: New European’s Plan to “Stir Up Controversy”