Considering the aggregate of recent events Stephen Brine enjoyed quite a range of options with which to open the Government batting at PMQs. He said: “The nightmare of my disbelief at the Opposition Leader’s gay-porn male prostitute front bench million pounds for hard working mums and dads against Ed Miliband’s Welfare party on amphetamines?”
The Prime Minister agreed that there were questions for Labour to answer, about who knew what when, why, whither and who in the Labour party had put the meth in Methodist.
“Edward Miliband!” the Speaker called in such an impartial way that a stress fracture broke out in his forehead.
Ed Miliband rose to speak for the children of Chipping Norton. They were having their Children’s Centre closed. “Children’s lives are being destroyed by the Conservative cost of living crisis,” he said. “Heartbreak soldiers pride in British children with a fair wage, without VAT tax evading fraudsters pouring money into the Conservative party because their leader is a LOSER!”
The Prime Minister handled it with ease and some asperity. “What he doesn’t say, because he’s pathetic, is that now there’ll be one fewer set of school gates where Labour donors can peddle crack cocaine!”
That played into Ed Miliband’s line of attack: “I think we have established that the out of touch Prime Minister just doesn’t understand that the price of crack cocaine now puts it totally beyond the reach of squeezed children who are being forced into coke banks by pay day Tories!”
George Osborne heckled: “Shove it up your forearm with a turkey baster, you sick, bent, rent boys!”
Visibly deflated, the Opposition leader concluded his attack with, “What he has shown today is that he has no answers!”
“I may not have answers,” the Prime Minister laughed, “but you don’t have any questions.”
“Touché,” all sides cried and repaired behind the Speaker’s Chair where the crack pipes are kept.
Note. Reconstruction. Dialogue may not represent actual dialogue. Steve Coogan appeared as David Cameron and Johnny Vegas as Ed Balls. Ed Miliband was played by himself.