Labour’s Simon Parkes, beamed down from the mothership to his seat on Whitby Town Council when he’s not on a different planet, has confessed he has a secret lovechild named Zarka after an extra-terrestrial tryst with an alien he calls the Cat Queen. His wife isn’t pleased now the truth is out there:

“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.”

Probed further, Parkes says his real mother is a 9 foot alien with green fingers:

“Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’. I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain. It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.”

Helpfully he has even drawn a 4-dimensional sketch of what the little green men look like:

Perhaps this is an example of what those anti-gay marriage Tories were warning us about…