Labour Politician Admits Fathering Lovechild… With Alien

Labour’s Simon Parkes, beamed down from the mothership to his seat on Whitby Town Council when he’s not on a different planet, has confessed he has a secret lovechild named Zarka after an extra-terrestrial tryst with an alien he calls the Cat Queen. His wife isn’t pleased now the truth is out there:

“My wife found out about it and was very unhappy, clearly. That caused a few problems, but it is not on a human level, so I don’t see it as wrong.”

Probed further, Parkes says his real mother is a 9 foot alien with green fingers:

“Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’. I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain. It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.”

Helpfully he has even drawn a 4-dimensional sketch of what the little green men look like:

Perhaps this is an example of what those anti-gay marriage Tories were warning us about…




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Stephen Bush writing in the New Statesman‘s morning briefing…

“The terrifying truth is that the Opposition is too divided – within the parliamentary party, within the trades unions, within the Shadow Cabinet and even within the leader’s office – to be anything other than a veto player as far as Brexit goes, and the party’s whole gambit is really about trying to make that weakness look like a strength. Keir Starmer saying that Labour is “increasingly likely” to vote down the deal is simply a reflection of the fact that the one thing the Labour party will be able to agree on as far as Brexit goes is that Theresa May’s deal is no good.”

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