Winners:

• Job providing corporations.
• Internet Service Providers.
• Business start-ups in northern cities.
• Sheffield and the “Nick Clegg Memorial Enterprise Zone”.
• Motorists.
• Scientists.
• Local councillors and their £100m to spend on potholes.
• Charities – 10% death tax cut if money is given away.

Losers:

• Smokers.
• Private jet users.
• Tax avoiders.
• Councils and their frozen tax.
• Nondoms.
• Tree huggers – green belt planning permission up for auction.
• Sleepy Ken Clarke.
• George Osborne’s throat.
• Whoever came up with last year’s growth figures.
• Ed Miliband’s press team who sent the speech out before Red Ed had floundered through it with whole sections changed.