It wasn’t meant to be like this. It’s all Gordon’s fault. I’m doing everything I can, I’m the only one who is taking the fight to the Tories, yet still I can’t seem to get through to the Party. This must be what Peter Mandelson feels like, without the resigning and other stuff.

All these bloody interns keep bugging me about when they’re going to get paid for all this campaigning. I’m buying most of them off with pints, but for some reason they always get a bit awkward and want to leave after a few. Only Ellie stays and listens for the whole chat about the good old days with Damian and that two faced lying bastard Whelan.  I need some sound fiscal solutions but there’s no money and there’s no backing – how could Charlie do that to me?

Those scumbags at Unite betrayed me but there is still time. I’ve gone direct to the people that really influence the party, our failed candidates. I’m not afraid of associating with them – I know from experience that it takes a loser to spot a winner. And so to America for a break, I’m trying to patch things between Yvette and me. It’s strange how she keeps talking about attack lines on Osborne, I thought she was trying to be helpful, but I saw her practicing some of them in the mirror the other night. Surely she doesn’t think she could… no. Don’t even think about it. I will be Chancellor, I mean Leader.

Only one thing will save this campaign. One  man can turn this all around. This guy is even more famous than Big Mo. Sod the camper van, this is why I really wanted to go to the States. I’ve been trying to arrange a meeting with my old friend Obama – once a picture of us together goes round Twitter, I will be Leader.

I tried to give him a call: “We were at Harvard together – he’ll remember me,  ‘Old Blinky’, the English guy who used to do the Nazi uniform party trick. Well, tell him, I’m a politician too now!” The switchboard at the White House said they would pass the message on, but I’m still waiting for the call back.

I understand though – it’s a busy life being a visionary Leader.

(*As leaked to Guido)