Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Think I have got Gordon off the idea of “helping” with the campaign. Told him I would be proud to have him sit behind me in the chamber. It dawned on him that he wouldn’t be sitting on the front bench. Pretty sure we won’t see him in parliament being mocked by the Tories.

Another day, another school. Ellie is really good at finding peeling paint to film in front of, some sixth formers got a bit tricky asking why the schools were falling down after 13 years of a government committed to educashun, edukazion, educayson. Dealt with that by blaming Alistair for not printing more money.

Got back to parliament for another late finance vote, was on the terrace knocking them back with Vernon, Ellie and some of her friends who were being quite saucy when, out of nowhere, Yvette pops up, puts her hand on my shoulder and sayswe have to be going pausing only to coldly look down her nose at Ellie’s long, luscious, exposed legs.

Next thing I know Yvette is pushing me down the terrace steps. Turns out that Tom Watson then took it upon himself to show the girl a good time in Soho after the vote. She looked more hung-over than Sally this morning.

Campaign is going brilliantly, it is almost as if Gove wants me to be the next Labour leader. Some strategic brain he is. Mandelson slagging me off in his book and Cameron at PMQs can only help with the core vote.

Blinking negligible, not looking forward to doing This Week with Andrew Neil tomorrow night.  Will have to get the surgical glue out after last time.

I will be leader. I will be the fourth man.




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Quote of the Day

A senior Brexiter:

“If Theresa and Julian have sold us out here they are in real trouble. She reassured us all at the 1922. There is no way she can recover if she has now fucked us over.”

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