Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Sorry not to have found much time to write recently, its been chaos. Whenever I’m not on the telly or at another bloody hustings I’m doing the housework and looking after the kids. You see Yvette has had a change of heart. She suddenly decided that I was apparently going to “humiliate the both of us” and has now waded into my campaign full-time. She keeps talking about bringing in some chap called Big Mo to help us. She’s having some trouble tracking him down though.

I’m getting a bit worried about the girls in the office. Especially the Speaker’s wife. She was always a bit of a flirt after a few drinks over at John’s old place, but now she has taken to writing these god awful pieces about how sexy I am. I don’t know why Yvette found it so funny that Sally said I was “totally up for it”. Though at least she made sure that the anti-blinking progress was covered:

Ed Balls is ‘normal’, without qualification (no ‘for a politician’ caveat required). Who wants to team up with someone who sounds like they’re delivering a lecture or talking politicians’ gobbledygook whenever they open their mouth? Well there’s no danger of that with Ed Balls; he’s personable, down to earth and displays no discernible oddball tendencies.

Everyone in the office was laughing at this. I didn’t really get it.

The internets campaign is coming along nicely. The website is finally up and lots of people are backing me on the Twitter with my logo on their pictures. I’m even getting cross-party support from Tories and Liberals who are so disillusioned with this economically-fascist coalition that they have decided that only I should be the Leader. Some Tories are pretending to back me, but Yvette says it’s just because they are scared of me really.

Little Andrew came good on getting his constituency on board. He will be rewarded well for his consistent loyalty when I am Leader. Called in long overdue favour with Eric Joyce, so got his CLP backing too. He seemed a little surprised, but he should have known one day I would call on him after all that I did for him when he was in trouble. Kerry seems to have a bit of a problem fixing Bristol for me, she’s useless and frankly continuing to be an embarrassing, foul-mouthed liability according to the News of the World. Hopefully Big Mo will be here soon and we can send him down there to sort her out.

(*As leaked to Guido)




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Quote of the Day

Boris Johnson was shown a trophy monkey head as he toured a room of illegally-poached animals seized by Scotland Yard. He said:

“What’s this poor chap here? Faint air of a … Labour backbencher.”

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