Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Well yesterday was a disaster. Surgical glue came unstuck under the studio lights and so did I. Ended up blinking at a fair old pace. Thought the Daily Politics was going to be fine when the Jo woman started out talking about education but Andrew Neil was in full swing. Completely forgot my lines and slipped back into blaming America. I can’t believe I even forgot to call Damian “Mr McBride”. What was he talking about no one liking me though?

What’s worse is they have asked me to go on the This Week sofa for a whole hour. I’m not so keen but Ellie is desperate for me to do it. If Brillo was that hard to me in the middle of the day what would he say after a couple of bottles of Blue Nun?

*As leaked to Guido



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Theresa May tells Bercow:

“Mr Speaker-elect, can I congratulate you on your re-election. At least someone got a landslide.”

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