Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Had to spend the weekend with another bunch of provincial fruitcakes. Feel a little dirty but you gotta do what you gotta do. Money’s getting a bit tight and have to keep forgetting my walletbut still we lumber on. These photo ops are getting a little tedious. Why won’t anyone from the PLP be photographed with me?  Have 20 nominations, added 7 since officially standing for nomination, still short 13 nominees. The humiliation if I don’t get nominated will be too much.

It wasn’t the easiest of weekends. Sometimes in life you have to sacrifice the things you love for the greater good. I’m not proud of what I did, I didn’t enjoy it but someone I had to slag off Gordon to the right-wing press. I thought distancing myself from Blair’s war would be enough but the questioning, the incessant questioning, wouldn’t stop. Suddenly it all came gushing out – the shouting, the rows, the lot.

Tried to make an emergency call to the therapist but my f***ing battery was dead again. When I did finally get there she told me it was natural that if I want to be Leader first I had to kill my father or something. But it’s true, I do feel better, freer, more manly, since Gordon went. Hopefully Yvette will start talking to me again soon, maybe even nominate me. But let’s not rush things.

*As leaked to Guido.



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Rowan Atkinson tells The Times

“All jokes about religion cause offence, so it’s pointless apologising for them. You should really only apologise for a bad joke. On that basis, no apology is required.”

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