Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

She just had to go and stick her oar in didn’t she! Diane bloody Abbot. Who next?  I thought she’d lost her Brent seat. Watching her election broadcast cuddling up on the BBC sofa with those two bastions of the right last night made me sick. We’re having enough trouble as it is twisting arms to get signatures without another horse in the field. That little girl Burnham is causing no end of headaches, what has he ever done for the Party? How many times do I have to tell him this is not a beauty contest. At least Abbott destroyed the media coverage of his launch.

Someone’s going to notice soon that the only two politicians I am ever seen with both lost their seats last week. The others promised and now they’ve scampered. I keep telling them my majority isn’t a problem. I even had to go all This Is Your Life in the Mirror this morning. There is still time.

Old Charlie came through and sorted the NEC to extend the nominations period  but he’s let me down. It’s unforgivable. They’ve only gone and banned the bosses telling the union members how to vote. Paul Waugh did his best at damage control but the spending cap is going to knife us too. Ellie Gellard, a Twitternet heavyweight is backing me because everyone she knows hates me. Think that is a good sign, could mean a lot more support than people think. Though having said that the money seems a bit slow. Nicola has been working the phones, but it looks like I’m going to have to get one of those Paypal things the Miliband minor has on his website.

This isn’t exactly how it was meant to be. The therapist says to relax this weekend but how am I meant to do that? I will be Leader. I must be Leader.

(*As leaked to Guido)




Tip offs: 0709 284 0531
team@Order-order.com

Quote of the Day

Corbynista media cheerleader Aaron Bastani says his friend Clive Lewis’s “b*tch” comment was:

“beneath any parliamentarian”

Sponsors

Guidogram: Sign up

Subscribe to the most succinct 7 days a week daily email read by thousands of Westminster insiders.
Sunday Show Highlights Sunday Show Highlights
Watch: Corbyn Condemns Clive Lewis Watch: Corbyn Condemns Clive Lewis
Lewis: “I Apologise Unreservedly” Lewis: “I Apologise Unreservedly”
Clive Lewis: “Get On Your Knees B****” Clive Lewis: “Get On Your Knees B****”
Heads Up: Parliament Tells MPs It’s Too Windy To Inspect Falling Masonry Heads Up: Parliament Tells MPs It’s Too Windy To Inspect Falling Masonry
Corbyn Stands By Disgraced Lavery Corbyn Stands By Disgraced Lavery
Mandelson Lies About Single Market Mandelson Lies About Single Market
Merkel: “Absolutely No Doubt” There Will Be A Deal Merkel: “Absolutely No Doubt” There Will Be A Deal
Sweden Drawing Up Brexit Trade Plans Sweden Drawing Up Brexit Trade Plans
Car Windscreen Smashed Inside Parliament Car Windscreen Smashed Inside Parliament
Russia Today Presenter Fibs With First Word on #BBCDP Russia Today Presenter Fibs With First Word on #BBCDP
Shameless Poetry Shameless Poetry
John Healey: Then and Now John Healey: Then and Now
Linesman MP Has Attended 96% of Votes, Better Record Than SNP MPs Linesman MP Has Attended 96% of Votes, Better Record Than SNP MPs
On The Red Carpet Last Night On The Red Carpet Last Night
Red Sky at Night, Jez’s Delight Red Sky at Night, Jez’s Delight
Arms Folded in Unity Arms Folded in Unity
Cliffe Quits Radicals After 12 Hours Cliffe Quits Radicals After 12 Hours
Davis: Brake Leaked His Own Letter Davis: Brake Leaked His Own Letter
Brake Misleads Bercow About Guido Story Brake Misleads Bercow About Guido Story