Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

She just had to go and stick her oar in didn’t she! Diane bloody Abbot. Who next?  I thought she’d lost her Brent seat. Watching her election broadcast cuddling up on the BBC sofa with those two bastions of the right last night made me sick. We’re having enough trouble as it is twisting arms to get signatures without another horse in the field. That little girl Burnham is causing no end of headaches, what has he ever done for the Party? How many times do I have to tell him this is not a beauty contest. At least Abbott destroyed the media coverage of his launch.

Someone’s going to notice soon that the only two politicians I am ever seen with both lost their seats last week. The others promised and now they’ve scampered. I keep telling them my majority isn’t a problem. I even had to go all This Is Your Life in the Mirror this morning. There is still time.

Old Charlie came through and sorted the NEC to extend the nominations period  but he’s let me down. It’s unforgivable. They’ve only gone and banned the bosses telling the union members how to vote. Paul Waugh did his best at damage control but the spending cap is going to knife us too. Ellie Gellard, a Twitternet heavyweight is backing me because everyone she knows hates me. Think that is a good sign, could mean a lot more support than people think. Though having said that the money seems a bit slow. Nicola has been working the phones, but it looks like I’m going to have to get one of those Paypal things the Miliband minor has on his website.

This isn’t exactly how it was meant to be. The therapist says to relax this weekend but how am I meant to do that? I will be Leader. I must be Leader.

(*As leaked to Guido)




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Jeremy Corbyn on Big Ben Bong Ban

“… if we have to miss Big Ben in reality for a while so that work can be done, well, that’s something we have to go through. It’s not a national disaster or catastrophe.”

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